Christmas Break

Christmas is definitely one of my favorite holidays.  I actually love all the holidays especially the fun traditions that go from generation to generation.  I think as I grow older I begin to have a deeper appreciation for the traditions that surround the holidays.  I know everyone has their own way of celebrating the holidays but whatever way you celebrate hopefully it’s doing something that makes you happy.

Christmas Eve has always been my favorite.  Watching Christmas movies, usually A Christmas Story, opening one present, leaving cookies out for Santa, and the anticipation of Christmas morning, even as an adult I still love going home to enjoy all these small events.  Okay, maybe I stopped leaving cookies out for Santa a few years ago but I always loved waking up in the morning, finding the cookies gone, and usually a note left behind.

Digging through my stocking in the morning is probably my second favorite, so fun to see all the treats hidden inside and every year as I dig through the same stocking I’ve used as long as I can remember I instantly feel like a kid again.  I also just love the time spent with my family.

I wish my brother and his wife lived closer but maybe next year.  Maybe we’ll plan to travel one year for Christmas, although after watching the news I think traveling over the holidays seems like one to avoid if possible.  I’m thankful for the family I get to see and will hopefully see the ones I didn’t get to see on my travels in the new year.

My laptop is ancient (5 years old) by technology standards and the battery lasts for about 5 minutes if it’s not plugged in plus without wi-fi at my parent’s place I don’t see much point in dragging it along plus I just want to enjoy the time away so I probably won’t post anything for a few days.

I planned on writing a bunch of posts ahead of time but, you know, the best laid plans and all that jazz 🙂  Hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!

Comparing & Regretting

I usually don’t mind being single or regret not having children at this point in my life but sometimes when the holidays come around I get a bit emotional and find myself longing for a family of my own to share in all the things I love about the holidays.  Reading my posts you should know I’m not one to dwell, I know things will happen in their due time, and I have plenty to be grateful for in my life but I’m also not immune to negativity.

Social media can be so devastating because there is always the danger of comparing your life to the lives of those around you and falling into the trap of jealousy.  Many of my friends from high school and beyond have at least one child so sometimes my biological clock starts ticking, just like Marisa Tomei stomping her foot in My Cousin Vinny (if you’ve never seen it, watch the movie or at least that scene, it’s brilliant).  Looking at the people from the past makes me question my choices even though I recognize I’m simply on my own path.

It’s not just looking at the people from the past, but also looking at the people in my present.  Many of my friends are several years younger than me and sometimes it makes me regretful of the path I’ve taken, reminding me what I should have done differently.  Living in a college town also doesn’t help with the feelings of regret.  When I was working at the store many of the employees were there working their way through college so I watched so many people graduate and move on while I remained.  Nearly everyone around me is college aged or maybe a little older and as I see people younger than me just starting out on their journey I begin to wonder why I didn’t do things differently.

At these times I have to remind myself that life is not on a time schedule, nor is it a competition and spending my days comparing myself to others is a sure track to insanity.

I also have to remind myself to be thankful for the people in my life, and for all the things I have going for me.  If I step back and take away the comparisons to other people I realize I’m actually at a very exciting time in my life.  Talking to a neighbor she questioned why I was still living here, she told me, “you’re young, you’re single, you have a degree, what are you still doing here?”

She has a point (although at the ripe old age of 35 I don’t always feel young) and confirms what I’ve known for years, which is that it’s time to stop comparing, stop regretting, and simply enjoy my journey.

The Scale

It’s amazing how such a small seemingly harmless item could be so devastating.  I truly believe most of my anxiety at the doctor’s office comes from the simple fact that I have to step onto that giant, evil scale.  The nurse slides the numbers from one to the next until finding the number I don’t want to hear.  Right now I just want to avoid going up one more tick on the big numbers.

The scale is unfortunately a regular part of my day.  I try to only weigh myself once in the morning but sometimes I find myself jumping on the scale before bed or even midday, almost like a compulsion.  I say that because I’ve tried to put the scale away for awhile only to pull it back out of its’ hiding place a couple days later simply because I hate not knowing, which is funny because it’s not like there’s drastic weight change everyday.

I’ve read contradicting opinions about the home scale, to weigh or not to weigh is the question.  Most of what I read seems to indicate weighing yourself is good for maintaining weight and tracking progress but shouldn’t be all consuming, which is the problem.  The number on the scale becomes my number for the day.  If it’s lower I rejoice, dancing around in excitement but if for some reason the number goes up the next day I am depressed and discouraged so I definitely see the danger in placing all my energy into that number.

Putting away the scale is not an option for me at this point but I know I don’t want it to be the center of attention.  As the number goes down I begin to find other things to focus on that make me recognize the positive changes, such as how my clothes fit and more importantly how I feel.  I tend to allow simple things to throw me off track and going home is one of those things because it feels like a mini vacation.

The last time I was home I talked to my mom about my pre-diabetes diagnosis explaining how I needed to change my diet and seemed to help inspire her toward make changes in her own diet.  I know there will be some temptations because of Christmas but I feel like I’m in a place where it’ll be easier to resist and to make smart splurges rather than going overborard

Going home for Christmas is a break from my beloved/hated scale because my mom does not have one haunting her bathroom, which works for her and for that week works for me.  I want to say this will a step toward weaning away from the scale but I know one of the first things I’ll do when I get home is jump on the scale.

As I mention above I’m not ready to put away my scale but maybe baby steps is the answer, I’ll start with every other day rather than every day then just see how it goes.  I just want to know the number without it defining or controlling me.