I knew losing my job would change me but I didn’t realize just how much. Perhaps I’m on some kind of high from working out but in the last week or two I’m genuinely opening myself up to ALL the possibilities in my life. Through deciding to improve my health and share this journey with the world something in me clicked.
It’s been a slow process but at 35 I’m finally starting to feel like I’m coming into my own. I struggle with my age from time to time as I’m sure other people do. Many of my friends are younger but sometimes give into dramatics, proclaiming all is lost because they aren’t where they thought they would be when they reached their mid-20’s. I love my friends but I want to say “How do you think this makes me feel?” If your life is over at 25 then I might as well start checking out retirement homes 😉 Ha Ha
I’m unemployed, unmarried, childless, living in an apartment, and only have a hazy idea of my future. When I was in my 20’s I certainly envisioned my 30’s to be much different but life doesn’t always follow your timeline of expectations and honestly I’m starting to realize this way might be more interesting. I’ve always had this idea of who I wanted to be, of the things I wanted to do, of the accomplishments I wanted in my life but I was holding back.
The two main things holding me back were my job and my weight.
The job is out of the picture. I allowed myself to be stuck in my job for about 5-6 years too long. I loved it in the beginning but toward the end I stayed because it was comfortable. Do I regret some of my career choices? Yes but who doesn’t?
The weight is more challenging because that has been plaguing me for years and years and years. I’m one of those people who looks back at pictures and thinks “I can’t believe I thought I was fat” but I also look back and realize one of my biggest issues with my body was comparison (This is before my biggest issue became eating too much and not working out).
I was constantly comparing myself to women with body types that were so different from mine that my expectations were unrealistic. In high school I stayed around 130-140 but was striving for 110-120 because I held 120 as ideal so 110 would be even better. I know now my body was actually pretty amazing back then (and will be again 😉 ) because it was strong. I was playing softball, cheerleading, and participating in theater so I was always working out. I wasn’t happy with my body though because I didn’t have long, thin limbs or a flat stomach. I had broad shoulders, a flabby stomach, and big calves, all of which I hated.
The unfortunate part is that it’s taken me 20 years to get here but thankfully I’ve arrived….to this place where I’m learning once again how to make my body strong but more than that I’m learning to love my broad powerful shoulders, my
flabby tummy strong core, and my big muscular calves.
My confidence is climbing because (please excuse the cheesy sports analogy) I finally feel like I’m getting in the game instead of waiting on the sidelines. When you’re overweight and not doing anything to change or simply not putting yourself out there it’s easy to rationalize why you’re holding yourself back.
The main ones for me were “I don’t want people to make fun of me” or “I’m too fat to *insert activity here* ”
Do I still feel self-conscious?
Do I still doubt myself?
Do I still have regrets?
Yes to all of the above; however, I’m going to explore the world without restricting myself because of my weight. I’m still fat but I know I’m working on it. Some will disagree with my use of the word fat but from my own personal perspective fat is not a bad word or a defining word but a descriptive word. It describes the current state of my body and it’s truth but fat is not what’s going to define me or my choices.
I’m still learning to accept myself but these are some of the things I know:
I know that I’m in better shape than I was 2 months ago.
I know I would choose going outside to do something over sitting in front of the TV.
I know that I’m an amazing, awesome person who is no longer going to define herself or how she lives her life based on her weight.