I’m going to get a bit dark in this post but know that all is well and I’m fine.
I’m optimistic but just like everyone I have my good days and bad days. I write about both because I love to show off the good days but the bad days are when I really need to share. Writing gives me the chance to express myself and release some of my emotions. I’ve always had a bit of darkness with me but most of the time my optimism overshadows it, unfortunately yesterday I couldn’t escape.
I put out a couple posts but I’d written those mostly the day before and earlier in the day I was really trying to do what I could to shake away the dark cloud that was following me before I finally just gave up.
I didn’t check Facebook or my email most of the day.
I didn’t respond to texts.
I didn’t want to eat.
I even turned off my phone for a few hours while I watched a movie.
I honestly considered just leaving it off indefinitely but I know after about 2-3 days I would potentially be facing police at the door doing a welfare check so I decide to turn the phone back on, grab my computer, and write for a bit to try to clear my mind.
I worry about depression during those times when I start staying up later, struggling to get out of bed, not going to the gym, don’t feel like eating, and shutting out the world. Sunday I almost didn’t go to my friend’s place for Easter because I was too tired. Yesterday it truly felt like I had a glimpse into depression because no matter what I tried I couldn’t make myself care about anything or see any genuine hope in the future. I actually have tons of things to be excited about but yesterday I could only see the negative.
It was scary.
I think part of it is just feeling anxious about everything, friends, family, career, money, life. I have days where I see the glass half full but I also have days where I see the glass is half empty so I just want to knock it over.
Today I was still feeling it a bit, that desire to just crawl back under the covers and hide but I made myself get out of bed and into the world. Even as I sit here writing I feel myself coming back especially as I think of all the good things that have already happened today and the many good things happening in the next week.
I had a great workout this morning (lots of shoulder exercises and I’m feeling it). The sun is shining and even though it’s a bit cold I have my windows open to let in some fresh air. I set an alarm in my phone to take a walk later this afternoon. I qualified for 2 jobs plus some positions I’m really interested in opened up this morning.
I’m getting a much needed haircut tomorrow. If a trip wasn’t planned I would have been finding a way to get out of town this weekend because I can’t allow myself to hole up in my apartment and wallow. Thankfully, I already have a weekend trip planned with friends, which has come at the perfect time because I need to be with friends.
I still feel tired but I’m drinking coffee and pushing forward.