I’m refocusing on my meal plans and refocusing on my workouts. (I’m going to use the word refocus quite a few times) I have to write about my fears and doubts every so often and this post is really meant to refocus me in some sort of direction instead of simply floating around in this void I seem to be stuck in right now.
Somewhere in the last month I allowed myself to lose focus on what I’m doing, which also gave wider openings for fear and doubt to creep back into my life.
When I first started job hunting I was printing out positions I was interested in, making notes, writing cover letters, checking different sites, basically I was eager and excited. I was packing boxes and cleaning out my apartment. I was keeping my apartment clean but lately it’s been a disaster. My desk is covered in papers, receipts, and who knows what else.
As time ticks by, weeks into months, with no interviews or immediate prospects it’s easy to begin to doubt yourself and what you’re doing with your life. It might sound strange but in my mind I haven’t given up but it’s like (not to be too dramatic) part of my spirit is broken from the rejection and the time spent waiting.
I do everything I can to stay positive and keep forward momentum but it’s tough to not have moments where you ask, “What’s the point?”
I had one of those moments yesterday when I was looking at jobs. I began to think, “This job is just like another job you applied for and you didn’t get that job, so what’s the point?” I closed my laptop and walked away. This morning I woke up with renewed energy and decided to set some goals for the week to help reduce my aimlessly drifting through the week. I realized I need to refocus on accomplishing certain tasks during the week.
I created a to-do list for the week:
Apply for at least 5 jobs
Interview prep 1 hour each day
Create a portfolio of photos
Pick a hike for this week
Red Cross training at least 1 hour each day
Gym 5 days a week
Along with my weekly goals I’m also reevaluating my long-term goals because like I mention above I think I lost my focus somewhere along the way and am now allowing myself to mindlessly amble through life on the delusion that I’m happy.
Okay, it’s not a total delusion because I am happy about 80% of the time. I’m getting healthy. I’m more confident in myself. I’m trying new things. I’m exploring creative endeavors. I’m trying to be more open to adventure.
The other 20% I’m a ball of anxiety, fear, and depression because I’m worried I’ve lost some of my ambition to keep moving forward in my life. I also start to feel it from my friends and family……the pressure. “What are you doing?” “What jobs have you applied to?” “When are you going to move?” “Did you apply for this job or that job?” Unfortunately sometimes the pressure just makes me want to shut down like the other day when my mom asked if I picked up a newspaper while I was in Seattle.
“People still post jobs in the paper”
I snapped back at her, “Yes, I know but I can’t go back and get a paper at this point”
Then I felt like crying because I should have picked up a paper and also because I was being a brat.
I know people in my life wouldn’t ask me questions or suggest things if they didn’t care so I do appreciate my friends and family but some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs “I DON’T KNOW!!!!” because it describes how I feel most of the time. I feel like I’m living in this world of uncertainty and I’m muddling through everything to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life.
It’s not easy but I know I’ll figure it out. In the meantime I’m back to taking things one week at a time because this is when I was doing best. I’m going to reevaluate both my short and long-term goals and refocus on clearing out the clutter (starting with my desk).