I don’t always like to delve too deeply into the past because you can’t change the past and I believe forward momentum is best; however, I also think sometimes you have to look back to appreciate where you’re going.
Sometimes it’s easy to lie to ourselves. Most of the time the lies we tell ourselves are like the lies we tell to other people, simple white lies meant to do more good than harm.
The lie I told myself yesterday was not a simple white lie but a lie built out of denial of my own behavior. Yesterday there was a part of me that lied and said I was celebrating but I know there was another part of me trying to drink away some of my stress and worry.
It didn’t work. Stress and worry was still there when I woke up on the couch at 5am but now along with the stress and worry I also had a terrible hangover.
I followed the dark path of alcoholism many years ago and it was some of the worst times of my life. I went from a party girl with friends to a woman sitting alone in her apartment drinking her life away. I was functioning mostly. I had a job. I paid my bills until I couldn’t anymore because I’d drowned myself in not only alcohol but debt. Thankfully with the help of my family I was able to get back to a place of normalcy but it wasn’t until a few years ago when I finally felt like everything was under control.
I limit my drinking to mostly social occasions but even then I have a tendency to go above and beyond everyone else. If I drink at home it’s wine or beer, maybe one or two drinks but I try to avoid keeping liquor around. Sometimes I do okay but most of the time if I know it’s there I’m going to drink it, usually all of it within a couple days or less. My binges are sporadic, maybe one every couple months, but I know how easy it is for me to pick up old habits, especially when I’m not working and feeling a little down.
Today I didn’t make it to the gym, can’t get rid of my headache, all I want to eat is french fries and pizza (french fries on pizza maybe?), I’m exhausted, I barely even left my house today, and accomplished next to nothing. I genuinely hate feeling like this but I can’t be too whiny because I did it to myself.
I decided with my shifting moods, anxiety about the future, and past history it might be time to give up alcohol for awhile. Even though it was just one drunken night (plus last weekend) out of months of not binge drinking I’m not taking any chances. Plus if I’m really trying to improve my health drinking three-quarters of a bottle of vodka at night isn’t going to do much for my healthy endeavors. Empty calories and killer hangovers will easily cancel out all my healthy eating and workouts plus giving up alcohol will be good for my mental health.
Despite the fact I just bought a bottle of wine I wanted to drink this weekend (it’ll still be there for me later) I’m going to give up alcohol for the next 45 days. I will be alcohol free until June 1st.
It was one binge last night plus last weekend drinking with friends so I’m not at rock bottom or anything. I just want to go without for awhile and see how it feels. In my pursuit of a healthier lifestyle this is a good choice.
I don’t think it will be too bad, other than the warm days when I crave a cold beer or the long days when I want a glass of wine but after spending the day with this hangover I’m actually thinking this will be a good experience.