Thursday Confessional

I don’t always like to delve too deeply into the past because you can’t change the past and I believe forward momentum is best; however, I also think sometimes you have to look back to appreciate where you’re going.

Sometimes it’s easy to lie to ourselves.  Most of the time the lies we tell ourselves are like the lies we tell to other people, simple white lies meant to do more good than harm.

The lie I told myself yesterday was not a simple white lie but a lie built out of denial of my own behavior.  Yesterday there was a part of me that lied and said I was celebrating but I know there was another part of me trying to drink away some of my stress and worry.

It didn’t work.  Stress and worry was still there when I woke up on the couch at 5am but now along with the stress and worry I also had a terrible hangover.

I followed the dark path of alcoholism many years ago and it was some of the worst times of my life.  I went from a party girl with friends to a woman sitting alone in her apartment drinking her life away.  I was functioning mostly.  I had a job.  I paid my bills until I couldn’t anymore because I’d drowned myself in not only alcohol but debt.  Thankfully with the help of my family I was able to get back to a place of normalcy but it wasn’t until a few years ago when I finally felt like everything was under control.

I limit my drinking to mostly social occasions but even then I have a tendency to go above and beyond everyone else.  If I drink at home it’s wine or beer, maybe one or two drinks but I try to avoid keeping liquor around.  Sometimes I do okay but most of the time if I know it’s there I’m going to drink it, usually all of it within a couple days or less.  My binges are sporadic, maybe one every couple months, but I know how easy it is for me to pick up old habits, especially when I’m not working and feeling a little down.

Today I didn’t make it to the gym, can’t get rid of my headache, all I want to eat is french fries and pizza (french fries on pizza maybe?), I’m exhausted, I barely even left my house today, and accomplished next to nothing.  I genuinely hate feeling like this but I can’t be too whiny because I did it to myself.

I decided with my shifting moods, anxiety about the future, and past history it might be time to give up alcohol for awhile. Even though it was just one drunken night (plus last weekend) out of months of not binge drinking I’m not taking any chances. Plus if I’m really trying to improve my health drinking three-quarters of a bottle of vodka at night isn’t going to do much for my healthy endeavors.  Empty calories and killer hangovers will easily cancel out all my healthy eating and workouts plus giving up alcohol will be good for my mental health.

Despite the fact I just bought a bottle of wine I wanted to drink this weekend (it’ll still be there for me later) I’m going to give up alcohol for the next 45 days.  I will be alcohol free until June 1st.

It was one binge last night plus last weekend drinking with friends so I’m not at rock bottom or anything.  I just want to go without for awhile and see how it feels.  In my pursuit of a healthier lifestyle this is a good choice.

I don’t think it will be too bad, other than the warm days when I crave a cold beer or the long days when I want a glass of wine but after spending the day with this hangover I’m actually thinking this will be a good experience.

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9 comments

  1. mad nad · May 18, 2015

    Good luck! And remember it’s a process. It look me 101 times to quit cigarettes but in the end I prevailed… (I know it’s not alcohol but that was my addiction)… Thanks for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Daisy9979 · May 19, 2015

      Thanks again for reading 🙂 I was a smoker off and on for years but reached a place where none of my friends were smokers so I had become this closet smoker and realized it was time to just give it up. I finally quit for good 1 year, 7 months ago so I can relate to that struggle.
      Great job quitting! I still get some cravings but find it feels so much better to be smoke free and less expensive 😉

      Like

      • mad nad · May 19, 2015

        Good for you! For me it was the opposite… Most if not all of my friends were smokers so it was really hard! I was always the one in the circle “trying to quit” until I became the one who did. 😊 And actually, my close friend soon followed suit! I’d like to think I inspired her. If you’ve managed to overcome cigarettes then you’ve already proved to yourself that you CAN tackle an addiction. Thanks for checking out my blog and pressing follow. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Daisy9979 · May 19, 2015

        That definitely makes it more challenging. Only 2 of my coworkers were smokers and none of my friends smoked so I was always the outsider, which definitely made it much easier to quit. That’s great that your friend quit too. It’s definitely easier being around nonsmokers when you’re trying to quit. I hated being the one who was always stepping away or outside to smoke.
        I was hoping to inspire one of my coworkers to quit but I think sometimes you just have to make that personal decision and be ready for the change.

        Like

  2. Pingback: Failure with a Hint of Success | Transitions in my Life
  3. keen peach · April 17, 2015

    You can do it girl! We are here to support you! I admire you for being open and honest about your struggle.

    Liked by 2 people

    • daisy9979 · April 17, 2015

      Thanks! I’ve been thinking about doing this for awhile now and this just seemed like the right time. I always appreciate the support! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. miusho · April 17, 2015

    That’s definitely going to be a struggle.. Giving up things can be really hard but I believe that, if it’s damaging your life, it can be very worthwhile to do so. It’s just those first few weeks where you think you can “handle it” that are the hardest.. But, if you can go from everyday drinking to sporadic binge drinking, I’m sure you can go without for 45 days. 🙂

    Like

    • daisy9979 · April 17, 2015

      Thanks for reading and following. After making the decision and writing the post I began to think about the struggles of the next 45 days but I know it will be worth it in the end. Thanks for the support! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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