The Uncertain Future

I try to keep myself busy because if I have too many days like yesterday I will slowly drive myself insane sitting around thinking.  I try to distract myself from dwelling too much on the uncertainty in my life because that is what will make me crazy.

My line of thought actually goes something like this:

“I’m tired.  Maybe I should take a short nap”
“You have so many things you should be doing right now.  Don’t take a nap.”
“You were going to pick out pictures to print for a portfolio. You need to print out the portfolio to go visit the gallery”
“Do you really want to show your pictures in a gallery? What if they say no?”
“Being a photographer is uncertain and challenging. Is that what I really want to pursue?”
“But am I pursuing the right career? Maybe I should check for new job postings”
“The application and hiring process takes so long. I’ll never find anything and be stuck here forever”
“Where am I going to be in a year?”
“Will I be happy?”
“What will I be doing?”
“Where is my life going?”

It’s funny how my mind can drift from taking a nap to wondering what I’m going to be doing with the rest of my life.  I often mention unemployment is more challenging than I imagined it to be when I was working.  When you’re working and feeling secure in your job the word unemployment actually sounds similar to the word vacation.

It also sounds like something that can’t happen to you and if it does you’ll just find another job.

It’s not that hard.  Jobs are everywhere.  I could find a job in a few weeks with no problem.  At least that’s what I thought when I was securely employed.  Now that I’m unemployed my perspective is vastly different, although I do think I could find a retail job if it comes to it but I’m not ready to give up on my pursuit of a new career that I might actually love.

The problem with unemployment is I’m constantly aware that I’m unemployed and always think I should be doing more.  It’s tough sometimes to turn my brain off which is why I work to find distractions.

I never thought I would be unemployed and certainly not for this long but I am and it’s been a long time.  I think some part of me will look back on this time and question some of my decisions, especially not applying for jobs earlier but I think that’s just part of life.  I think another larger part will recognize all the positive changes I made in my life, working out, eating healthy, getting active, volunteering, and truly getting to know myself.

Even though I’m scared of the uncertainty in my future I’m actually more scared when I think of what I might be doing if the store hadn’t closed.  I’d been stuck in my rut for so long and convinced myself I was going to make changes “someday” but never really changed anything because I was comfortable.  I lied and said “One more year.”  Despite the fact that I was miserable and stressed all the time I would have stayed with the job.

I wouldn’t have made all the changes I’ve made with my health, both physical and mental.  I also never would have started this blog and right now this is one of the things I’m certain about in my life.  I’m also certain things will work out eventually so even though my optimism waivers it’s still here.  I just have to be patient, remind myself that uncertainty is not the worst, and just keep working toward my happiness.

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