I’m a bit disappointed in myself.
I gave myself a challenge to not drink for 45 days but today I broke my resolve and had a beer with lunch.
I debated over it from the time we decided where to eat. I knew the temptation would be there and I knew the people I was with would have a drink. I actually went to the bathroom right when we got there partly because I had to and partly to give myself a minute alone to decide if I wanted to cave on my challenge.
As soon as I got to the table my friend passed me the drink menu but I asked for the beer list. My preference and my trigger has always been hard alcohol so I thought if I started with a drink I might be tempted to have more drinks. I was still debating in my mind while I stared at the menu but I decided on a cda vanilla bourbon stout, not my typical drink but it sounded good. After a few sips I realized the drink was maybe hitting me a bit harder than I would like, guessing it was a combination of the early morning wake up, small mid-morning breakfast, and not drinking for awhile.
It was really good so just like with food sometimes if it’s really good you instantly want more so I began to debate having a second one then I began to think about all the things I wanted to get done tonight and the things I wanted to do tomorrow. Plus there was a larger part of my mind that realized I don’t want to get drunk and I felt like a second one wouldn’t have gotten me drunk but it would’ve put me on that path.
It sucks because I was only 2 weeks away from being done. Tonight I’ve gone back and forth between beating myself up for it and telling myself it’s okay. I even debated writing about it but part of my blog is honesty and accountability. I didn’t want to come to the end of my challenge celebrating a lie.
I’m not going to say I completely failed on my challenge but I did break a commitment to myself which is disappointing. I knew if I came across a social situation with drinking it would be a challenge and I did fail in that aspect but I also succeeded in something. I succeeded in enjoying a beer (just one) with friends and being perfectly content.
In the past if I had one drink I wanted another and another and another. I was drinking not necessarily because I enjoyed it but because I wanted to get drunk. Today I didn’t want to get drunk so even though I didn’t complete my challenge and I’m disappointed I know I’ve made progress.
That’s what my journey is all about right now, progress.