I live in a state of conflict, torn between following my heart and following my head. I’m running out of time to decide so I’m really coming to a place where I need to…maybe not decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life because that’s (hopefully) a long time and things change but I do need to decide what I’m going to do in the next two months (Should I stay or should I go?).
Talking with my mom yesterday helped.
She basically told me to trust in myself and that I can do anything I want to do.
Sometimes those are the words you need to hear. She even told me if I want to pursue a more unconventional or bohemian lifestyle traveling and taking pictures then that’s what I should do. I struggle with a fear of disappointment so to know she’s supporting me no matter what I choose, whether it’s a 9 to 5 job, a parole officer, social worker, circus performer, or someone who travels and sells photos, really helps.
It’s nice she accepts I’m not in a pursuit of fame and fortune, although I do recognize I need some money to survive, but I’m in pursuit of my happiness.
I think sometimes people have a hard time understanding everyone has their own dreams and their own standards. I’m at a place where I’m realizing life isn’t all about money and stuff. I like stuff but it’s not everything. My dreams are not of the conventional variety and I’m finally learning to accept what I want is something exciting, something I feel passionate about, not something I do just because it makes me tons of money. Of course I would love to have abundant money to travel without worry but I also dream about selling all my stuff to make money and living out of a cheap trailer so I could just go.
Some people don’t understand what I’m doing.
Some people think I’m doing everything wrong.
Some people think I’m being lazy.
Some people question my decisions.
It’s tough to just tune out all the voices around you and listen to your own voice. I’m trying to do this more because I think some people (no matter how well their intentions) are trying to help guide me onto their path instead of allowing me to forge my own.
I’m learning I don’t have to be alone but I also don’t have to follow the crowd.
My mom even mentioned how I seemed happier and I am happier. Right now I’m doing what I’ve discovered I enjoy doing, exploring and taking pictures.
Even as I sit here typing I find myself staring out the window (Seriously, look at those blue skies, how could I stay inside today?) planning my walk along the trail to photograph the poppies but first I’m going to finally take some images over to a local gallery to see if she might be willing to sell some of my work.
When I went to lunch with my friend on Saturday she said she had stopped into the gallery to check it out, talked with the owner, and mentioned my photography. The owner said I should bring in some of my work. I’ve been talking about doing this for at least a month so this is a sign I need to just get in there and see what she says, worst case scenario she says no and I begin to search more options.
No matter what I decide to do it’s going to require hard work and difficult decisions. I might not make popular choices and sadly might even lose some friends in the process but honestly if they can’t support my choices they’re not the best people to have in my life.
I’m not shutting out advice or help. I’m not going to start ignoring everyone but I’m just going to try to turn down the outside voices so I can better hear my own voice and continue to forge my own path.