My friend texted me when I was on the way home from my 8 mile walk asking me if I wanted to go to a WSU baseball game and my mind is so funny because my initial response was “I love baseball, so yes” but my secondary response was “I don’t know…it’s on a Saturday and I have nothing planned but I would have to leave the house”
Thankfully I listened to my initial response and said yes, although true to my nature yesterday I began to create the excuse list but I pushed it aside because I really wanted to go. I played softball all through school and love going to just about any live sporting event so I couldn’t believe I was seriously considering not going because of whatever craziness goes on in my mind.
It’s funny and sad how even with things I really want to do some part of my mind creates these worries or plants doubt in my mind about why I shouldn’t be going out to have fun. It seems so silly to keep myself from doing things I enjoy doing because I’m self-conscious but that really does play a factor. The girl who doubts herself and worries about being the fat girl in the room still exists but I continue to push forward because the more I put myself out there the quieter her voice becomes, replaced with the woman who’s confident enough in herself to not care about the judgment of others.
I work on it everyday, overpowering the voice of doubt with the voice of confidence and reason. It’s not easy and it continues to feel like I’m coming back to life by participating in things I enjoy whether by myself or with people I enjoy. I’m glad I’m on this path.
The other day I was telling someone if I’d have known I was going to be job hunting for this long I would’ve taken a part time job and I still might have to do this but I realized later that would’ve put me on a different path. I use the metaphor about life as a journey often because it fits so well especially when you’re at a place of decision.
Do you choose path A or path B or maybe path C? What about path K or path X?
If I took a part time job…
I may not have had as much time to write.
I might not have been as free to go out to explore and take pictures.
I might not have tried to sell my posters, so my pictures might not have been seen by the magazine editor.
I might have found comfort in another job and not pursued any of my other dreams.
Or who knows? That path might have been better but I’m working on being in the present, focusing on the path I’m on at the moment and looking ahead instead of looking back.
I made a scary leap today, creating a facebook page for my photography, TKay Photography. I shared with my Facebook friends, my family, and now with all of you 🙂 (It’s still a work in progress but check it out, give it a like if you’re into the Facebook thing I’ll be adding more photos all the time) It might not seem like a big deal but it’s frightening to declare what you’re trying to do because there’s always the fear of failure, fear of judgement, and the voice of doubt.
As I scrolled down my friends list clicking invite I began to wonder what they would think…would they think I was crazy? Do they think my work is good enough? Are they going to be annoyed at the invite?
I finally had to tune out all these questions realizing some will support me and some won’t, many simply won’t care but many will so I can’t let myself become overcome by fear. I clicked invite for every person on my friend list because I realize if I really want to do this I have to
shamelessly confidently promote myself.
If I let fear and doubt consume me I’ll be back to sitting in my apartment waiting for things to happen and I don’t want to go back to that so I push through the fear and turn down the voice of doubt.
I thought this was just going to be a post about the baseball game but you never know where the words will take you.