Why is it always right before bed that anxiety begins to settle into my mind? I couldn’t have started contemplating what I was going to be doing with the rest of my life at 2pm instead it had to wait until 10pm when I was ready to go to sleep. Well…I was ready to go to sleep until the questions began to go through my mind.
What are you doing with your life?
How much longer can you go without a job?
Shouldn’t you be trying harder?
Shouldn’t you have it figured out by now?
How are you going to live if you don’t find a job soon?
Do you want to stay here?
Do you still want to move?
On and on rotating through my mind. I finally had to write down some things to-do for today to calm my mind and ensure it that I was working on answering these questions. I am working on answering these questions it’s just not all the questions have easy answers and things were further complicated when something dawned on me last night.
I scribbled down the following:
“Passing the blame. Was it me or where I’m at? If I had changed my attitude and mindset how would things have been different?”
Yesterday when I was out taking pictures, looking out at the amazingly beautiful fields and the town I currently call home stretched out before me I had a thought “Why is it that when I’m trying to leave you I start to fall in love with you?” (I might have to steal that for my poetry blog) To say it in a less dramatic and poetic way I’m starting to fall in love with this area while at the same time trying to escape it but it made me question myself and my attitude.
It hit me all at once that I was blaming everything and everyone around me for my being miserable. I was unhappy because of my job, this town, other people, looking at everything as negative and yet it was never my fault. I blamed circumstances or outside forces instead of looking within to try to discover what was truly wrong in my life. I’ve learned so many lessons during this time but I really feel like this revelation is one of the biggest ones.
I don’t have a job to blame. I don’t have as many people in my life right now to blame. I’m finding I actually like it here now that I’m embracing what the area has to offer instead of focusing on what it doesn’t have to offer. I’m finally learning that if I’m not happy in a situation I need to look at myself and see what I can do to change instead of looking around for someone or something to blame.
My hope is I can continue to build on this lesson wherever I might end up and in whatever I decide to do with my life. Staying here was not an option a few months ago and now it’s under consideration. It’s still challenging but I’m tuning out some of the outside voices so I can focus on and figure out what I want for myself. In the past I always wanted to leave because I figured I would be happier somewhere else but now that I’m kind of happy here and more open to traveling to visit people I’m not as eager to run away.
Just like any other place under consideration I’m looking at all the factors, biggest deterrent here is the not so great job market but I’m still gonna check it out.
If nothing else this experience (my extended unemployment, click to see where it all began) has forced me to truly look within myself, to try to decide who I want to become, to decide how I want to live my life, and I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in the past 6 months than I have in the past 6 years.