Grumpy Bear

My usual “I need to snap out a funk” tricks aren’t working today.  I forced myself out of bed.  I dressed up.  I finished making some more greeting cards this morning, took James the cat to get his claws trimmed (seriously they were out of control), mailed a package I should have mailed a week ago, and dropped off the greeting cards (none of which have sold but I know these things take time).  The rest of my afternoon has been spent trying to write a post and applying for jobs but all I can really think about right now is taking a nap.

Usually I would drag myself out of the house but I tripped on a curb and tweaked my knee a bit this morning 😦  .  It’s not bad but I’m taking it easy so it doesn’t get bad because I really want to go to Farmer’s Market in the morning.  Basically, it’s just one more thing to add to my crummy mood.  I hate these days when I feel so grumpy and I can’t seem to snap myself out of it for some reason.

I tried dancing it out but got annoyed when I couldn’t find a song I really liked.
I tried to play a mindless game on Facebook but got annoyed when I couldn’t pass one stupid level.
I tried to plan a hike for next week but got annoyed because it’s supposed to rain next week.
I tried to clean out one of my closets but just got frustrated and overwhelmed.
I tried becoming my own personal cheerleader reciting things meant to motivate me and shake away the dark cloud hanging around with me today.

“It’s Friday!” “The sun is shining and birds are singing”  “It’s a beautiful day!”  “Everything is going to be alright!”  “You’ll figure things out!” “You will be successful no matter what you decide to do”

This was all to no avail because I still can’t seem to find enough positive energy to really get going and feel excited about today.  Looking back it really hasn’t been a bad day but sometimes a grumpy mood doesn’t need a specific reason to settle in, sometimes you’re just grumpy and irritable.  It happens to even the most positive of people (right?).

I hate to do it so early in the day but for now I might just have to give up on today, accept it as one of those days, find a good movie on Netflix, or simply curl up on the couch for a nap.

What do you do when you’re having a bad day and can’t seem to snap out of it?  Are you always able to overcome a grumpy mood or do you sometimes just give into the grump and be a hermit?

The Blame Game

Why is it always right before bed that anxiety begins to settle into my mind?  I couldn’t have started contemplating what I was going to be doing with the rest of my life at 2pm instead it had to wait until 10pm when I was ready to go to sleep.  Well…I was ready to go to sleep until the questions began to go through my mind.

What are you doing with your life?
How much longer can you go without a job?
Shouldn’t you be trying harder?
Shouldn’t you have it figured out by now?
How are you going to live if you don’t find a job soon?
Do you want to stay here?
Do you still want to move?

On and on rotating through my mind.  I finally had to write down some things to-do for today to calm my mind and ensure it that I was working on answering these questions.  I am working on answering these questions it’s just not all the questions have easy answers and things were further complicated when something dawned on me last night.

I scribbled down the following:
“Passing the blame.  Was it me or where I’m at?  If I had changed my attitude and mindset how would things have been different?”

Yesterday when I was out taking pictures, looking out at the amazingly beautiful fields and the town I currently call home stretched out before me I had a thought “Why is it that when I’m trying to leave you I start to fall in love with you?” (I might have to steal that for my poetry blog)  To say it in a less dramatic and poetic way I’m starting to fall in love with this area while at the same time trying to escape it but it made me question myself and my attitude.

It hit me all at once that I was blaming everything and everyone around me for my being miserable.  I was unhappy because of my job, this town, other people, looking at everything as negative and yet it was never my fault.  I blamed circumstances or outside forces instead of looking within to try to discover what was truly wrong in my life.  I’ve learned so many lessons during this time but I really feel like this revelation is one of the biggest ones.

I don’t have a job to blame.  I don’t have as many people in my life right now to blame.  I’m finding I actually like it here now that I’m embracing what the area has to offer instead of focusing on what it doesn’t have to offer.  I’m finally learning that if I’m not happy in a situation I need to look at myself and see what I can do to change instead of looking around for someone or something to blame.

My hope is I can continue to build on this lesson wherever I might end up and in whatever I decide to do with my life. Staying here was not an option a few months ago and now it’s under consideration.  It’s still challenging but I’m tuning out some of the outside voices so I can focus on and figure out what I want for myself.  In the past I always wanted to leave because I figured I would be happier somewhere else but now that I’m kind of happy here and more open to traveling to visit people I’m not as eager to run away.

Just like any other place under consideration I’m looking at all the factors, biggest deterrent here is the not so great job market but I’m still gonna check it out.

If nothing else this experience (my extended unemployment, click to see where it all began) has forced me to truly look within myself, to try to decide who I want to become, to decide how I want to live my life, and I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in the past 6 months than I have in the past 6 years.

Idler’s Rest

I’m tired but it’s a good tired.  Last night laying in bed I began to search on my phone for hikes in the area and found a great list I will keep on hand for future reference.  I’ve been to a few of the places but there’s many I haven’t been to and most of them are within an hour or less. As I scanned through the list I saw the name of the road 2 blocks away then realized the place was only about 15 minutes away so that would be the first location to explore, Idler’s Rest.

I had only glanced at the directions but knew it was basically get on this road, go straight until you come to this road, then follow that road until you see the sign (This is why I don’t give people directions, lol) It was like any country road, a bit windy, no lines on the road and at one point I thought I missed the turn because I felt like I’d gone too far then I finally saw the road.

Random side note at the intersections of these two roads was a driveway with brick gates and trees leading up to this giant hill to a house.  I didn’t really see the house but the driveway was beautiful, looked liked something you would see in a movie.  I’ll get a picture next time.

I parked and a family arrived right as I was getting out of the car.  The baby with the family was not in the mood for a hike and protested loudly so I was getting a bit nervous about listening to a screaming baby during my relaxing nature walk.  Thankfully I went on the trail closest to the parking lot while they went to explore the trail that at that time was unknown to me.

0004IdlersRest - CopyThe loop of trails closest to the parking lot was about a 10 minute walk and I was feeling very disappointed as I made my way back to the parking lot.  Once there I pulled out my phone to bring up the map and realized there was another trail also unless that family disappeared there had to be another trail somewhere but I had to find it.

Crossing the road and wandering a bit I came to a sign saying “trails”  I was in the right spot.  I passed the family with a now calm baby who gave me some information about the lack of views but mentioned some side trails I might be able to climb. A few minutes on this trail and I was so much happier than I was on the other side.  I was in the woods.0006IdlersRest

It was quiet except for birds, the wind, and the babbling of a tiny stream.  I was in my happy place and eager to explore.  I stuck to the trail then saw one of the side trails the family mentioned, fairly defined but I would have to push my way through some bushes but I figured might as well go for it.

0002IdlersRestEven though I didn’t go to the gym today I definitely got in my leg workout climbing up that trail.  It was so steep I was almost crawling up at one point but once I reached a certain point I just had to see what I might be able to see at the top.   As usual I was glad I did because it was spectacular.  It’s one of those views that makes me really appreciate the area I live in because it’s beautiful.  0012IdlersRest

Leg workout part two was climbing back down that steep trail because I wasn’t sure if the trail I was on actually looped around or not and the climb up caused me to lose some steam so I didn’t want to end up wandering lost in the woods.

I fell short on my steps today but all the steps I took climbing that hill should have counted for two 😉  It was a good day and because it’s so close I can add this place to my weekly hike rotation.

I’m already checking out the list to figure out where I want to go explore next but I think tomorrow will be a gym day and a long walk around the neighborhood.  I did some strength training at home but need to get into the gym to really do lifting and training. The featured image was actually taken on my way home.  I had to pull over to capture that shot, such a beautiful drive.  Here’s a couple more pics from my trip today.

I can’t believe the week is almost over, even though I’m not working the holiday is definitely making the week fly by!

0001IdlersRest - Copy 0019IdlersRest