I’ll begin this post with a letter to one of my least favorite emotions, anxiety.
Please leave me alone. I would really like to accomplish things today without the giant knot in the pit of my stomach, the nausea, the inability to concentrate, the nervousness, the tightness in my chest that makes it difficult to breathe, and the overwhelmingly irrational fear of impending doom.
It’s frustrating to invest time into telling yourself everything is okay only to have one emotion come in and sweep all the positivity away, replacing it with negativity, uncertainty, and doubt. I really do my best to try to control it but sometimes I just can’t seem to stop it from nearly overwhelming me.
I had a conversation with my stylist and friend today as he trimmed my bangs. I talked with him about the things I write about, how I’ve opened up to the idea of staying here, how I was blaming the town instead of changing my attitude, etc. I’ve spoken to him and one other person within the last week catching them up on my uncertain plans for the future.
The one thing in common is after having these conversations anxiety hits me hard.
It’s one thing to know in your mind you have no clue what you’re doing with your life but it’s another thing to say the words out loud. “I don’t know what I’m doing” and if I’m being honest “I don’t know what I want to do” and “I’m scared” Sometimes thinking about the future overwhelms me so much that’s exactly what happens, I become paralyzed. It’s tough to be positive and strong, to not let the uncertainty paralyze you with fear.
As a self-professed control freak the uncertainty and not knowing is what hits me the hardest. I barely have a grasp on what I’m doing this week, much less next month so when someone asks me about my plans or starts trying to plan something it freaks me out. I remain calm on the outside but each time someone asks me to consider going to this event or that event in a month or two it reminds me I don’t where I’ll be in a month or what I’ll be doing. For all I know I could be living in my car in a couple months (okay, that might be a bit dramatic). I usually err on the side of adventure choosing to say yes to whatever comes my way but then stress about the logistics of it especially if I end up moving.
I try to remind myself of my favorite positive affirmations, “life is a journey” “everything happens for a reason” “live in the moment” “all is well, remain calm” “don’t worry be happy” etc. Those words don’t affect me in the same way when I’m in this type of mood. I really do my best to stay positive because I know if I allow the emotions I feel right now to take over I won’t move forward but it’s a challenge.
Here’s something positive I realized as I reflected on both conversations,the amount of support from these people. Both offered ideas, advice, and support plus expressed excitement in seeing where my journey would lead so as I write about this in an attempt to loosen the knot in my stomach I’m reminded of how fortunate I am to have such great supporters (both online and in front of me) and I try to keep this in mind when I’m having bad days.
Finding the positive is just not easy once anxiety settles into your mind.
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be back to my happier place and I’m going to do whatever I can this afternoon to free myself of this anxiety. Writing always helps I’m thinking more of that plus maybe a cup of tea and some cookies, cookies seem to make everything better.