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I can’t decide what will make this feel like home.

My cat, desk, food in the fridge, clothes in the closet, car in the garage, new job, even with all these things I still sometimes struggle with the acceptance that this is my new life.  I’m not going to go home in a few weeks, this is my home but I can’t shake the thoughts in my head making me feel like I’m walking around in a dream.

To clarify:  I don’t feel unwelcome.

I just feel a little off, like I’m in a haze.  I think this surreal feeling stems from the fact that I’m essentially living my dream….not 100% because in my dream I’m living in a swanky downtown penthouse apartment where I walk to Pikes Market everyday to buy fresh ingredients for dinner.  I’ll have to keep that one in the dream catalog for now 😉

Part of me knows I’m thinking about it too much because I haven’t even been here a month. As I write this what strikes me is how much I underestimated the impact of taking everything I knew and leaving it behind.  I left a career I knew for one where I have no experience.  I went from working a schedule that changed from week to week to not working to now a consistent 9-5 M-F job.  I lived in my previous city for over a decade of my life.  I had some dark times but also good times, especially toward the end it really began to feel like my home.

I’m happy to be here I still have moments where I question myself but I think that’s natural.  The little things are helping me to settle in more each week.  One of the things people don’t think about is finding your places, the grocery stores, the dentist, the gas station, the vet, the doctor, the bank, etc.  As I find more of these places plus find my way there and back without using navigation it makes me feel a little more settled.

I’m feeling more confident driving around the city, although I’m still getting used to the busy interstates and highways.  I’m learning the names of the roads around me so I could almost give someone directions.

The more I explore, learn my way around, make new friends, settle into my job, and go out to do things the more it feels like home.  I’ve been keeping myself busy on the weekends.  Last weekend was a hike, coffee with a new friend, checking out the pool, and an expedition to the hardware store.  This morning I went to the mall for the first time (bought only what I needed), meeting a friend for dinner later, and heading to my first soccer game tomorrow.

I know time is the biggest factor but I guess some part of me assumed since this is what I’ve always wanted that I would just settle right into it without any hesitation and I wouldn’t miss my old life…..but in so many ways I do.