The Fear Returns…

Fear is often anxiety’s partner in crime so when I start feeling anxious I sometimes start feeling afraid.

Afraid of making the same mistake.  Afraid of making a new mistake.  Afraid of going outside.  Afraid of talking to people.  Fear is powerful and can paralyze you.  I’m doing my best right now to not completely ignore my fears but to acknowledge them and figure out how to deal with them so I don’t become paralyzed.

I had a really rough night about a week ago.  Most of it was my imagination on overdrive coupled with unfamiliar noises because I’m in a new place but I spent most of the night waiting for the next day and sunlight. Last week wore on me emotionally more than physically but the two tend to go hand in hand.  Your emotions start to crumble and often your physical health isn’t far behind.  At the end of last week I was exhausted.

My reaction to this type of exhaustion is retreat.  I want to hide.  I go into hermit mode.

I planned to go on a hike Saturday morning but when I was unable to sleep at 2AM I was thinking I needed to cancel partly out of exhaustion and partly out of fear.  I didn’t want to leave my apartment, which fortunately made me realize I needed to leave my apartment, not at 2AM because that would be scary but in the morning I needed to go on that hike.

Despite the fear and anxiety I’m also a fighter.

I decided I wasn’t going to let my fears win.  I didn’t care how exhausted I felt that morning I knew I couldn’t cancel.  I knew cancelling would be one step toward giving into my fears and anxiety.  I also knew I would feel better if I went and I did.

I told someone recently “I’m about a million miles outside of my comfort zone”  This statement is accurate and I feel like every single day I’m conquering some kind of fear especially at work but also in my personal life.  I walked into a fast food restaurant the other day (I know, I shouldn’t have been there in the first place) and instantly wanted to run away because the clientele did not make me feel safe but I’m trying to learn the difference between simple discomfort and genuine danger.  I made myself order and wait for my food then I ran away….

I’m trying to push past the discomfort, remain aware of the situation but also remember to breathe.

I’m still going to apply common sense.  I’m not going to go walking around my neighborhood at night because that’s not smart in most any major city.  I’m going to avoid certain neighborhoods and situations but I’m not going to allow my fear to take over my life and keep me from living.

Some days it feels like simply walking out my front door is an accomplishment.

There’s so many scary things in life.  I think all of us conquer something everyday even if you don’t always realize it, sometimes it’s little things, sometimes it’s big things.  All I know is I have to continue to conquer my fears.  I have to work through them and writing always helps.  It helps me to acknowledge and confront these feelings instead of burying them inside.

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