Sad and Feeling Guilty

James the Cat passed away yesterday morning.  He had a seizure while I cried uncontrollably and apologized for not taking him into the vet the day before to be put to sleep.  I knew I should’ve taken him in on Friday but I kept holding out for a miracle.

The bright spot is he died at home instead of at the vet and I didn’t have to put him through the stress of that last car ride.

I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore yesterday then woke up crying this morning.  I do okay then something sparks a reminder of the day before and I cry.  Yesterday was surreal.

I took him to the vet around 8:30 then after I came home I began to clean…well, first I went to the craft store.  It felt right for some reason, walking through the store like a zombie grabbing a $3 wreath and an assortment of glittery things to decorate it.  I’m pretty sure I was in shock and my brain was looking for a distraction, a way to avoid going home.

Because once I got home I first grabbed my empty pet carrier from the car and cried; cried while I walked up the stairs with legs that felt like jello before collapsing into an apartment filled with reminders of the last few weeks.

Dishes of uneaten cat food.
Toys scattered everywhere.
Random treats and dry food.
Water dishes and cups everywhere.

I had to clean.

I emptied the dishes.
I put the toys in the basket.
I picked up the little piles of treats.
I dumped the water.

I sat down on the floor and cried.

As I walked out to the dumpster carrying the cardboard bed he’d loved so much, especially toward the end, I felt guilty.

I worried it was too soon.  It’d only been hours and I was throwing away his things!  I had to let my rational brain kick in to remind me that, yes, I was throwing away things, not memories.  I’ll always have the memories and yes I did keep Mothra, the ratty butterfly toy I’d thought about throwing away for months but every time I did he would start playing with it..so Mothra stayed.

FullSizeRender (13).jpgAnd Mothra will stay with me for a little bit longer, along with a few other things.

The problem today is I continue to feel guilty.  I feel guilty for throwing things away.  I started writing today because I felt guilty for planning to ask my landlord if I have to continue to pay pet rent….$40 a month adds up to a significant chunk of change until my lease expires.  I feel guilty for sitting here looking at his cat tower and thinking about posting a pic on Facebook to see if anyone wants it.  I feel guilty for realizing I don’t have to worry about boarding or arranging a cat sitter over Christmas.

I feel guilty but I need to keep moving forward.  I know I’m going to continue to miss him and I’m not done crying but I am looking forward to getting back into a routine.  For now, I think I’m going to work on my wreath a little bit.  It’s coming together quite nicely and I’ve been calling it my grief wreath.  FullSizeRender (14).jpgI think I’m also going to put up some more Christmas decorations because life does go on.

Not sure how to end this so I’ll just say, Love you and miss you, Mr. James! ‚̧ ūüźĪIMG_5399.JPG

Still Struggling…

I’m starting to feel like a zombie, or simply just another version of myself.

 

I’m really trying to keep my spirits up but at work on Wednesday this was me every time someone came to talk to me….

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I understood everyone was excited about Thanksgiving and the start of a 4 day weekend but I was still sick and dealing with the cat situation.

I kept up the appearance of happiness on the outside until someone would ask, “How’s your cat?” then to avoid bursting into tears I would just walk away muttering, “He’s fine but I don’t want to talk about it…” and leave the room before I burst into tears.

It was awkward, especially the time I was in my office when someone asked and I just turned my chair around since I couldn’t walk away, so I made a long Facebook post apologizing and letting everyone know what was going on with me.

The last week or so I’ve been fine then this happens…

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The problem is once this starts I struggle to make it stop.

I feel so whiny. ¬†I can’t completely shake my cold and I’m slowly getting myself back into eating something besides soup, broth, and crackers. I’m on my last day of antibiotics but still taking medicine at night to help me sleep without coughing all night.

When I’m not coughing all night I’m crying over James the cat (or I’m coughing and crying) because I know I’m close to a time where I have to make a decision I don’t want to make. ¬†I’m still holding out for a miracle but unless he starts eating on his own….I worry syringe feeding is just making both of us miserable.

This morning I was heating up cat food in an attempt to spark his appetite. ¬†We’ve tried almost every type of cat food (dry and wet), tuna, salmon, sardines, milk, heavy cream, tuna with heavy cream, baby food, tuna juice, cheese, chicken, burger, lunch meat, basically everything I read about online I tried. ¬†My normal routine now is to twice a day throw away the food in his dishes then refill it with more food. ¬†It’s starting to make me feel a bit crazy.

He’s slow but still moving around and going to the litter box. ¬†He’s curled up beside me the last couple nights and has been a bit more affectionate so that’s nice.

I’ve been reading articles online about how people knew it was time with their pets, quality of life, how someone did syringe feeding for 10 weeks then their cat just started eating, how selfish it is to keep a pet alive, etc. ¬†Like every other subject online there’s extremes at both ends of the spectrum, and I latch onto whichever one suits me in that moment.

Even though the reality is there’s no clear answer.

We’ve become dependent on finding the answers at our fingertips but when it comes to something so personal I know Google doesn’t know, but that doesn’t stop me from asking. ¬†“Hey Siri, Should I put my cat to sleep or is he going to make a miraculous recovery and live for another few years?” ¬†

Siri doesn’t know. ¬†

At this point my only acceptance of the situation is that I have to take it day by day. ¬†I have to look at his quality of life. ¬†Mostly, I have to trust that when the time is right I’ll know and will be able to make the decision that’s best for both of us.

In the meantime, I’m going to eat a piece of pie for lunch while enjoying a cheesy Lifetime movie, as James snoozes away in his bed. ¬†I signed up for a free 7 day trial of the Lifetime Movie Channel on Amazon and tomorrow’s my last day so I need to enjoy a few more cheesy movies ūüôā

Hope everyone had a Happy Turkey Day!

The Worst Weekend

Around this time of year people begin to proclaim all the things they’re thankful for and my list is long. ¬†I’m thankful for my family, my friends, a great job, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, etc., etc.

Overall, life is pretty good but the last few days have been a little rough.

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Okay, maybe not everything but that’s definitely how I’ve felt over the weekend and into this week.

Friday I had a little bit of a sore throat and cough. ¬†I went home, took a large dose of Nyquil and went to bed at 7:00 because I had plans I didn’t want to miss out on this weekend. ¬†I woke up about 4 hours later, took a little bit more Nyquil and spent the rest of the night in a fever induced slumber. ¬†Once morning arrived I found myself googling, “How high does your temperature have to be before you go to the ER?”

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At the same time wondering if I would be able to summon an Uber in my weakened state but I figure if I can do it when I’ve been drinking I should be able to figure it out in my fever induced haze…thankfully it didn’t come to that point.

Ibuprofen and rest brought my temperature down but Saturday was rough.

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Sunday was a little better other than the sore throat, so I called in sick on Monday and went to the doctor. ¬†Unfortunately, my fever came back but also the doctor didn’t seem to know what was going on with me.

I began to lose faith in her when she said, for about the fifth time, “So what you’re telling me is the sore throat is your biggest issue right now” ¬†Yes!!!!! ¬†I wanted to scream but I already had no voice.

I’m still waiting to hear back but on the plus side the sore throat is much better.

This morning while I was starting to feel better, James the cat was feeling worse so back to the vet we go this afternoon. ¬†Partway into the appointment I utter the question I don’t want to ask, “Is there anything else I can do?” I don’t want to ask because I know the answer is no and it was so now it’s just a matter of making him comfortable and waiting to see what happens. ¬†I’m not giving up on him and will continue to do whatever I can as long he’s still getting around okay and doesn’t seem to be in pain.

That’s the reasons for my absence lately but I’m hoping to get back into writing soon. ¬†Unfortunately, when things get rough the blog tends to go to the wayside but it feels good to write and tonight it’s been a good distraction.

As I mentioned at the beginning, there’s still plenty of good in my life and plenty to be thankful for, so I just have to keep those things in mind….and just keep swimming, just keep swimming… ūüôā

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