Still Struggling…

I’m starting to feel like a zombie, or simply just another version of myself.

 

I’m really trying to keep my spirits up but at work on Wednesday this was me every time someone came to talk to me….

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I understood everyone was excited about Thanksgiving and the start of a 4 day weekend but I was still sick and dealing with the cat situation.

I kept up the appearance of happiness on the outside until someone would ask, “How’s your cat?” then to avoid bursting into tears I would just walk away muttering, “He’s fine but I don’t want to talk about it…” and leave the room before I burst into tears.

It was awkward, especially the time I was in my office when someone asked and I just turned my chair around since I couldn’t walk away, so I made a long Facebook post apologizing and letting everyone know what was going on with me.

The last week or so I’ve been fine then this happens…

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The problem is once this starts I struggle to make it stop.

I feel so whiny.  I can’t completely shake my cold and I’m slowly getting myself back into eating something besides soup, broth, and crackers. I’m on my last day of antibiotics but still taking medicine at night to help me sleep without coughing all night.

When I’m not coughing all night I’m crying over James the cat (or I’m coughing and crying) because I know I’m close to a time where I have to make a decision I don’t want to make.  I’m still holding out for a miracle but unless he starts eating on his own….I worry syringe feeding is just making both of us miserable.

This morning I was heating up cat food in an attempt to spark his appetite.  We’ve tried almost every type of cat food (dry and wet), tuna, salmon, sardines, milk, heavy cream, tuna with heavy cream, baby food, tuna juice, cheese, chicken, burger, lunch meat, basically everything I read about online I tried.  My normal routine now is to twice a day throw away the food in his dishes then refill it with more food.  It’s starting to make me feel a bit crazy.

He’s slow but still moving around and going to the litter box.  He’s curled up beside me the last couple nights and has been a bit more affectionate so that’s nice.

I’ve been reading articles online about how people knew it was time with their pets, quality of life, how someone did syringe feeding for 10 weeks then their cat just started eating, how selfish it is to keep a pet alive, etc.  Like every other subject online there’s extremes at both ends of the spectrum, and I latch onto whichever one suits me in that moment.

Even though the reality is there’s no clear answer.

We’ve become dependent on finding the answers at our fingertips but when it comes to something so personal I know Google doesn’t know, but that doesn’t stop me from asking.  “Hey Siri, Should I put my cat to sleep or is he going to make a miraculous recovery and live for another few years?”  

Siri doesn’t know.  

At this point my only acceptance of the situation is that I have to take it day by day.  I have to look at his quality of life.  Mostly, I have to trust that when the time is right I’ll know and will be able to make the decision that’s best for both of us.

In the meantime, I’m going to eat a piece of pie for lunch while enjoying a cheesy Lifetime movie, as James snoozes away in his bed.  I signed up for a free 7 day trial of the Lifetime Movie Channel on Amazon and tomorrow’s my last day so I need to enjoy a few more cheesy movies 🙂

Hope everyone had a Happy Turkey Day!

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