I’m fine but….

I’m not but it’s easier to say that I’m fine than to admit I can’t handle things or simply that I might be feeling stressed or worried.  Nope, everything is fine but I’m tired.  giphy80

Yep, cheerleader crying in a car tired (Poor Quinn).  The kind of tired where I use all of my energy trying to maintain my focus because when my brain is this tired it wanders.  I become the person in a meeting pondering how many dots are on a ceiling tile, then when someone asks me a question I mumble something incoherent because I wasn’t paying attention at all.

I fall into the category of average when it comes to sleep, 7.5 to 8.5 hours of sleep is perfect, more or less and I’m in trouble.  I can survive on 6 for a few nights but less than 6 hours of sleep a night and I go from crying cheerleader to full on toddler meltdown…8cbe41_229a73079d5a4f8687a10fa57270b5d8

It’s not that I’m always not fine but this week lack of sleep but some random events have me feeling irritable and unfocused.

When someone asks how I’m feeling I say “fine” or “good” but I’m thinking:

“I’m worried about money”  “I received a letter that someone had a piece of my mail so now I’m worried about identity theft”  “I’m worried I’m not doing good enough at my job”  “I’m concerned that I’m annoying my friends”  “I think I really am turning into a crazy cat lady”  “I don’t want to be alone forever”  “I’m exhausted and would really like to take a nap”  “I’m constantly questioning everything I’m doing with my life right now”  

I’m wondering if it’s normal to feel like this sometimes, questioning, worrying, feeling anxious, feeling anything but fine.  All the feelings make it difficult to concentrate plus I’m super grumpy and no one wants to be around a grump.

My hope is that I can get a good’s night sleep tonight.  The last two nights have been filled with nightmares and restless sleep, and lack of sleep does not help any with my anxiety.  tumblr_mrxr4mctjq1qmb7u4o3_400_zps3c1898c8I’ve been on the go this week so I think a night in with an early bedtime will help me to start truly feeling fine.

In pretending to be okay this week I began to think about how we’re kind of programmed to the responses of “fine” or “good” or “okay.”  I’m not saying I want to unburden my soul on a coworker or the stranger who asks how I’m doing today but I can unburden part of my soul here and give myself some reality checks.

There’s tons of movement at work with people changing positions and that has me questioning what I’ll be doing in the future.  Should I stay or should I go?  I’ll stay with the company but just not sure if I want to stay in the same position.  The reality check is my job is secure right now and I don’t have to decide right away.

A piece of my mail was found in a search with some people who who shouldn’t have had my mail.  The reality check is it’s an account that can only be used in very specific locations, it happened 3 months ago, and everything is fine but I’ll be monitoring my finances a bit closer.

Most of the time I’m fine with the idea of being forever single and other days I create a checklist in my mind of all the reasons why I’m still single plus why I need to be in a relationship.  I think it’s spending time with married couples….part of me wants what they have and part of me loves my freedom.  The reality check is it’s a constant internal struggle.

Things really aren’t that bad.  It’s just one of those weeks.  They happen and I think some sleep will help.  If sleep doesn’t help, the other good news is the week’s almost over 😀

Hopefully I can start feeling less like this….april-gif_470x236

And more like this…

dancingdrunk_ronWriting it out makes me feel better and the gifs make me want to finish up the last season of Parks and Rec 🙂

Feel free to comment and share your thoughts.  How do you handle days or weeks when you’re not feeling fine?  Do you isolate yourself?  Do you vent to a friend?  Do you write it out?

 

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How I Feel Today….

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

This is how I feel today.

For the sake of my stomach I hope I get an answer about this job soon.  The waiting has my stomach tied up in knots and makes my mind restless.  Last week the only scenario I could see was getting the job, now I’m beginning to see the other possibility.  I’m preparing for both and making myself crazy in the meantime.

Left to my own devices I begin to imagine all the worst things that could happen.  I begin to play out unrealistic scenarios in my head like the one where they send me an email or call saying “No job for you.” (Said just like the Soup Nazi) or the one where my references say terrible things about me.  I think I’m letting it overwhelm me and make me physically sick.

I always do my best to remain optimistic but some days it’s tough to get out of your own head.

It’s the not knowing.  I could get a response today or not.  They might e-mail me.  They might call me.  I could be moving soon.  I could be staying here and trying to do whatever I need to do so I don’t end up living in my car.  I’m being dramatic………I would end up living with my parents.  (Hi Mom! I’ll let you know when I’m on my way).  This time just gives me the opportunity to continue to over analyze every little thing from the interview.

This morning it was wondering if how I walked down the hall to the room was some kind of test because she walked behind me giving me directions instead of leading the way to the room.  Even if this was some strange test I think I did okay even though I did hesitate in a couple of spots but I kept expecting her to get in front of me…..Uggggghhhhhhhh!  These are the kind of things I’m pondering.

My hermit tendencies aren’t helping matters in any way.  I get stressed and I go into hibernation mode.

Today I’m forcing myself to get out of the house for a little bit, going to run a few errands this morning then I have to swing by my friend’s place tonight to feed her cats while she’s out of town so that will get me out twice.  I was going to try to combine all the errands into one then realized that was ridiculous especially when I live in a town where it typically takes 5 minutes or less to drive anywhere in town.

I think when I go to feed the cats I’ll either go to the gym or go to the arboretum for a walk but we’ll see what the day brings.  Writing has renewed my optimism so I think I’m done wallowing in self-pity and worry for the moment.  I know sitting around in the house making myself crazy isn’t helping anything so it’s time to put on some real clothes, maybe a bit of makeup, (I’ve been wearing pajamas for almost 2 days straight) and get out into the outside.  It’s not quite as hot today so I don’t think I’ll melt.

Happy Monday!  Here’s to once again hoping I’ll be reporting good news soon!

Worry, Worry, Worry

I know somewhere out there are people who can write an email, proofread it, send it, then forget about it, some might not even proofread, just write and send, it’s that easy.  I don’t understand this quick, simple process free from worry.

For me, nothing is that easy.  Every little thing is filled with anxiety.

My e-mail process is often write e-mail, fret over every word, rewrite it, read it out loud, change a sentence, read it out loud again, change the sentence back, check the e-mail address I’m sending it to 5 times, read it out loud one more time, click send, stare at the computer as if something terrible is going to happen, then become scared to check my e-mail in case I receive a negative message back.

It makes me feel like a crazy person (I’m sure this isn’t a PC phrase but I’m talking about myself so I decided it’s okay).

I’ve found ways to control some of it but for the most part even the simplest tasks can be fodder for my anxiety.  Yesterday it was sending thank you e-mails to the interview panel.  Part of the anxiety for this issue stems from the fact that I forgot to get contact information from everyone….I know, interview 101 but when you haven’t had an interview in a decade or so sometimes the little things slip through the cracks.

I beat myself up for not writing it down with my questions.
I tried to look up the information online.
I wonder if this could be the singular mistake that ruins me.
I spent a good chunk of my weekend worrying about how I was going to fix it.

This morning I called the recruiter who was going to send the info so I spent most of my drive thinking the problem was solved but we had a miscommunication so all she sent me was the names.  *sigh*

I responded to her when I got home that I was hoping to get email addresses but she was out of the office for the rest of the day. *double sigh*

I finally figured out pretty much everyone I received communication from had the same e-mail format first.last@company so I decided to use the names with this format, send out the e-mails and say a little prayer.  Unfortunately this move sends my brain into overdrive thinking I might have blown my chances by this one seemingly minor mistake. By not writing down on my little list of questions “get contact info” I might not get the news I want this week.

I still have a good feeling but you never know how things will turn out so I wait and try to think happy thoughts.  I can’t lie because not getting this job will hurt, so much, and if it doesn’t happen there will be tears (actually, I think there might be tears either way), but I’m going to keep applying this week.  I’m hoping for good news but I’m trying to be prepared either way because sometimes things don’t go the way you want but you can’t quit, you still have to keep moving, keep trying, keep pushing forward.

This has been my philosophy over the last few months so I can’t let myself become devastated by one failure or technically allow my mind to decide I’m doomed for failure while I’m waiting for a decision.

I hate the fact that it’s only Tuesday afternoon.

I realize keeping myself busy is going to be more of a challenge than I originally anticipated.  This morning I did a bunch of cleaning (post about clutter coming soon) but since I got up at 7:30AM I found myself done with many of the tasks I wanted to accomplish before noon so  I watched a bit of TV then realized the best way to waste time was to sit down in front of my computer XD

Between Facebook, WordPress, cleaning up my e-mail, and editing photos I can easily waste the rest of the day 😉

I chose to stay home today but have a list of errands to be done tomorrow.  Hopefully the next few days go by fast, I can keep my worry in check, and I hear good news by the end of the week.