Random Rambling Monday

I’ve spent the last 2 hours talking to myself…about myself, interview prep is not very much fun but I know it’s necessary.  I wish all interviews came with a cheat sheet so I could at least have an idea of what questions might be asked instead of preparing for 60 questions, most of which will never be asked.

I feel mostly prepared but that doesn’t eliminate the knot in my stomach, of course that could also be from all the coffee I’ve been drinking to keep myself awake.  This morning I channeled some of my nervous energy into straightening up my living room and kitchen so it’s one less thing I’ll need to worry about this week.

Adding to the interview pressure is the fact that the interview is out of town so add the anxiety of an interview + the anxiety of planning a trip = Me completely frazzled and frantic.  I decided it was a good idea to stop talking to myself for a few minutes to work on something else especially when I find myself answering the question of “What skills do you have to offer in this position that your competitors cannot?” with “I can do this job.  I’m better than all these other people.  I’m cuter.  I’m nicer.  I have better handwriting.  I want this job.  Please just give me the job.  Tell all these other people to just go home.  The job is mine” *followed by hysterical evil laughter* only my out loud version involves more swearing.

A break is probably good so let’s write about something not interview related.

………..ummmmm….I’m sure there’s something else on my mind…….yes, food.

I’m skipping Meal Plan Monday this week because I’m going to be gone most of the week but I’m hoping I can stick to somewhat healthy eating during my time away.  Last night I made a small pork roast in the slow cooker loosely following this recipe and it was so good!  I’ve never cooked with a spice rub so it was something new and delicious.

It’s leftovers for dinner tonight then probably an easy pasta and broccoli dish tomorrow because I have broccoli that needs eaten up before I leave.

My writing might be hit or miss for the rest of the week since I’ll be out of town.  I might try to write some snippets on my phone but we’ll see how it goes.  I was going to drive back on Friday but that doesn’t make a ton of sense if I’m over that way might as well stay to enjoy the weekend, actually hoping to do some hiking while I’m over on that side of the state. Although I bought new insoles for my worn in, comfy shoes and went out for a walk last night that left me with giant angry blisters on my heels so I hope that doesn’t continue.  I’m gonna try a short walk tonight.

Heard a package thrown outside my door (Thanks Mailman for not bothering to ring the bell or knock) and it was facial masks and stationary from my sister-in-law.  Hooray for random presents!  I’m going to try one of these facial masks today and hopefully the stationary will motivate me to start writing more letters.

It’s gonna be a good week!! 😀

Sleepy

I did get some sleep last night so I was feeling better this morning but then I went out to run a few errands and realized I still don’t feel great.  It’s the unfortunate monthly joy of being a girl 😦  My anxiety is heightened.  My sleep quality goes down.  My entire body hurts.  I’m grumpy angry beyond reason (this is why I drove with my windows up today).  I get so exhausted, like can’t hold my eyes open, want to lay down in the aisle of the store exhausted, which sucks because it means the struggle to keep myself motivated becomes a seemingly impossible mission.

Trying to get anything done is significantly more challenging when all I can think about is laying down on the floor, which wouldn’t be as bad now that I’m back home…at the store that might have been awkward, although the thought of it does make me laugh.

My plan today is pretty low key but part of my to-do list today is to create a to-do list for the week and list of walks for the rest of the week. This is a sure sign I am a list person, when my lists of things to do include making more lists, lol XD  I might be a little crazy but I prefer to say super organized.

I’m making more photo cards, a batch to send to my sister-in-law (it’s taken forever but they’ll be in the mail this week).  I also think I might try to list on Etsy give it a month or so see how it goes.

There’s so many options out there to display, sell, and promote photography that it can become a bit overwhelming so I’m actually trying to narrow down my focus because right now I’m trying to juggle too many projects.  Every time I hear about something I think that’s the way to go so I try it but then it just becomes one more thing to manage plus I worry about oversaturating my audience.

I’m trying not to post all the same pictures over and over just on different platforms so I’m narrowing it down to Facebook and Instagram plus this blog.  It’s tough to self-promote without feeling like you’re hitting everyone in the face.  I’m trying not to overwhelm everyone and working on networking with other photographers on social media.  I’m keeping my photo blog as a portfolio but will probably not be as active on there since I’d rather just post photos on here that way I can include more writing.

*Sidenote* If you have a Facebook page, Instagram account, or any other account that I haven’t liked let me know and I’ll check it out.  You guys have been super supportive and I want to do the same*

I keep feeling like I’ve lost my focus so I’m struggling to regain control.  I think I’m trying too hard to do everything instead of just saying I’m going to focus on this task this week then move onto the next task.  This is something I need to work on because I already know when I try to do everything I end up accomplishing nothing.  As a control freak it’s tough for me to say I don’t know what I’m doing right now but I really don’t but the little optimistic voice in my head reminds me that it’s okay.

This is one of those posts I debate even posting because it seems a bit random but I remind myself this is a blog about me and what’s going on in my head.  Today in my head I am sleepy and overthinking so I’m thinking it’s time for lunch and maybe a good Netflix binge, haven’t had one of those in awhile so we’ll see if I can find a good show and if I can stay awake to enjoy it.  Might just be a napping kind of day 😉

Dear Anxiety….

I’ll begin this post with a letter to one of my least favorite emotions, anxiety.

Dear Anxiety,
Please leave me alone.  I would really like to accomplish things today without the giant knot in the pit of my stomach, the nausea, the inability to concentrate, the nervousness, the tightness in my chest that makes it difficult to breathe, and the overwhelmingly irrational fear of impending doom.
Thank you.
Sincerely, Daisy


It’s frustrating to invest time into telling yourself everything is okay only to have one emotion come in and sweep all the positivity away, replacing it with negativity, uncertainty, and doubt.  I really do my best to try to control it but sometimes I just can’t seem to stop it from nearly overwhelming me.

I had a conversation with my stylist and friend today as he trimmed my bangs.  I talked with him about the things I write about, how I’ve opened up to the idea of staying here, how I was blaming the town instead of changing my attitude, etc.  I’ve spoken to him and one other person within the last week catching them up on my uncertain plans for the future.

The one thing in common is after having these conversations anxiety hits me hard.

It’s one thing to know in your mind you have no clue what you’re doing with your life but it’s another thing to say the words out loud.  “I don’t know what I’m doing” and if I’m being honest “I don’t know what I want to do” and “I’m scared” Sometimes thinking about the future overwhelms me so much that’s exactly what happens, I become paralyzed.  It’s tough to be positive and strong, to not let the uncertainty paralyze you with fear.

As a self-professed control freak the uncertainty and not knowing is what hits me the hardest.  I barely have a grasp on what I’m doing this week, much less next month so when someone asks me about my plans or starts trying to plan something it freaks me out.  I remain calm on the outside but each time someone asks me to consider going to this event or that event in a month or two it reminds me I don’t where I’ll be in a month or what I’ll be doing.  For all I know I could be living in my car in a couple months (okay, that might be a bit dramatic).  I usually err on the side of adventure choosing to say yes to whatever comes my way but then stress about the logistics of it especially if I end up moving.

I try to remind myself of my favorite positive affirmations, “life is a journey” “everything happens for a reason” “live in the moment” “all is well, remain calm” “don’t worry be happy” etc.  Those words don’t affect me in the same way when I’m in this type of mood.  I really do my best to stay positive because I know if I allow the emotions I feel right now to take over I won’t move forward but it’s a challenge.

Here’s something positive I realized as I reflected on both conversations,the amount of support from these people.  Both offered ideas, advice, and support plus expressed excitement in seeing where my journey would lead so as I write about this  in an attempt to loosen the knot in my stomach I’m reminded of how fortunate I am to have such great supporters (both online and in front of me) and I try to keep this in mind when I’m having bad days.

Finding the positive is just not easy once anxiety settles into your mind.

I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be back to my happier place and I’m going to do whatever I can this afternoon to free myself of this anxiety.  Writing always helps I’m thinking more of that plus maybe a cup of tea and some cookies, cookies seem to make everything better.