My Pizza Pity Party

Today I was going to write my meal plans but instead I’ve decided to eat frozen pizza and have a pity party.

In some ways I set myself up to not have a good day.  I placed my negative, I hate everything, energy out into the universe and the universe complied.  I proclaimed, “I hate Tuesdays!”  “Tuesdays are never good days!”  The day really didn’t start out that bad (and there were good things but I’m doing the wrong thing and ignoring them right now) but all the little things began to get to me.

I was a few minutes late so there was no parking and I had to park in a spot I don’t like to park (but still close to the office).

I did something wrong (but was able to fix it and no one yelled at me).

I made phone calls I didn’t want to make to plan things I don’t really want to do tomorrow (even though they get me out of the office).

The thing that pushed me over the edge was finding out that as of right now I am not going to training.  There’s a big training for my position and everyone does it but open spots are limited and primarily based on hire date. As I heard the announcement in my co-worker’s office I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.  I keep telling myself it’s not that big of a deal.  I will get to go, it’s required training but for some reason finding out made me feel like doing this….ROBINEOkay, maybe not that extreme but I do feel like having a good cry because even though my rational mind knows I will be going in my own time, PMS mind (ie irrational mind) is convinced I’m being left out of everything and everyone hates me hence the pity party.

I tried to shop out my emotions but quickly realized trying to cheer myself up by trying on clothes while my body is bloated up was not the best plan.  I was persistent but not successful plus for some reason my stomach was growling and grumbling loudly (that was an awkward dressing room moment) because I didn’t eat any real food today other than some oatmeal this morning.

As usual when I write it out it’s not that bad but I’m still going to catch up on Grey’s Anatomy to see if I can get the inevitable cry over with before I head back to work tomorrow.  This is one of the quotes I remind myself of on days like this, cry it out, get over the emotions, and get back on track.human

I think the training thing is we were all kind of on equal ground, even though they all came in about a month before me, because we hadn’t been to this training and now I just feel like I’m going to be even more behind everyone else.  I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason and happen when they’re meant to happen. 

Everything will work out but in the meantime I’m going to wallow just a smidge longer in my pity.  I plan to enjoy my cheesy pizza and cheesy TV dramas this evening, then pick myself up and face the world tomorrow.  

**update** I burned my arm on the stove. The pizza cooked funny and made my oven start smoking. The smart hub on my TV isn’t working. I’m settling for a book and an early bedtime because….

 

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No AM Workouts and Surviving a Bad Day

Yesterday morning as I hit snooze for the 4th time and finally awoke from a dream so real I would’ve sworn I was already dressed and headed out the door to work out I realized this early morning workout might not work for me right now but I did try….kind of…. 🙄

I instead decided while the weather is still nice I should take advantage of “the outside” and go for a walk after work.  My motivations for working out have always been:

  1.  Health
  2. Weight Loss

A few years ago I would’ve reversed the two but now health is the priority and weight loss is a positive side effect but today I want to add a third motivation:

3.  Stress Relief

Yesterday for the first time I had to deal with a few very unpleasant aspects of my job.  I made a mistake and my boss was completely okay with it, even told me I was doing a good job but I beat myself up to the point of emotional frailty.  I was at the point where one more thing and I was going to burst into tears but instead of stepping out of the office for a break I made the error of wallowing in my mistake, even though I’m old enough to know better.

One more thing happened and I found myself in tears in my office trying to figure out how to escape without anyone seeing me, whereas if I’d just taken a break a couple hours ago when I first started feeling bad I might have avoided finding myself in the scenario of trying to plan an escape route.  The problem is you have to check out when you leave the building but I got out, driving aimlessly crying for a few minutes when I impulsively decided to stop at Trader Joe’s.

o_O

For some reason I decided the key to calming my frazzled mind was a walk through the well-maintained, although slightly crowded with old ladies who refuse to let you walk by them as they aimlessly wheel their shopping carts side to side, aisles of Trader Joe’s.  Actually, I’d never been in one before but wanted to try a recipe with chia seeds so in my distressed state some part of my mind went “Trader Joe’s should have chia seeds”  I’m pretty sure it was my mind’s way of distracting me from my current emotions…and it worked.  Well played, mind……..

I survived my bad day but still feel a bit emotionally worn out so I’m trying early bed times, exercise, eating real food, lots of writing, reading, and finding some projects to keep me busy.  Some downtime is okay but I can’t have too much sit and dwell time because that’s exactly what I’ll do every time.

This post went a completely different direction from the workout update I intended to write but that’s what happens sometimes.  Basically I’ll be skipping the AM workouts for now but doing nightly walks as long as the weather allows then hitting up the fitness center because the workouts are a must for my physical and mental health.

The 3 Day Quote Challenge-Self-Confidence

I’ve been nominated by Cheryl at four coffees and a camel to go to participate in the 3 Day Quote Challange.
I’ve agreed to partake in a challenge in which I post a quote – mine or someone else’s – for 3 consecutive days.
Rules
~ Thank the person who nominated you
~ Pass the “golden whisk” on to 3 people

I’ll nominate people tomorrow or later today but this was what was on my mind this morning and went with the challenge.

“Self-confidence is not taught or learned; it is earned by surpassing your own self-limitations” John Raynolds

A recurring trend in my life is doubting myself.  I doubt my abilities.  I doubt my strength.  I doubt my aptitude for change.  I doubt I can do all the things I want to do in my life; however during all these months of unemployment I’ve found ways to overcome most of the reasons I doubt myself and in the process picked up some confidence.

When I was coasting through my life I didn’t have much confidence in myself.  I had confidence in my ability to do my job but I didn’t have confidence to push myself toward any promotions.  I didn’t have the confidence to go out and do things I wanted to do, to go explore, to go out with friends.

I was comfortably uncomfortable.

I never had to push myself or put myself out there for others to see or judge.  If I found myself in those situations I would hide or simply try to avoid them at all costs.  I was coasting.

As an unemployed person I have to put myself out there for others to judge.  I have to constantly sell myself and if I don’t have faith in my abilities why should someone else?  I have had to showcase my abilities, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  As cliche as it may sound I really had to face myself, the good and the bad.  I found traits in myself I didn’t like so I work on changing some of those but I also found the good traits, the ones I thought I lost, the ones I resigned myself to living without or simply not displaying.

Creativity, passion, sense of adventure, curiosity, many of the traits that make living life great.  I set them to the side along with my emotions resigned to living a so-so kind of life but like Belle in Beauty & the Beast knowing I wanted adventure in the great wide somewhere (“Belle” is my all-time favorite Disney song.  *sidenote* Disney has some great motivational songs, “Almost There” from the Princess and the Frog is also up there on my list).  Unfortunately  or perhaps fortunately I didn’t end up in a castle with talking furniture and a prince in disguise so once the job was gone I had to start looking for my own adventure and in the process finding myself.

I know it’s always been there but each time I lost a bit of myself I lost bits of my confidence.  It’s an amazing yet almost alien feeling, the confidence.

Yesterday afternoon I was pouring over stats, philosophies, mission statements, watching videos on policies, and realized I not only understood but also aligned with the philosophies and mission statements of the department.  It helped remind me not only is this the job I want to do but this is the job I went to school to do, the job I’ve been really preparing myself for over the last 3-4 years so I had this moment of “I got this!” and it felt good.

It also helped melt away some of the stress and anxiety I’ve been feeling for the last few days (not that it’s completely gone and I can’t promise I won’t throw up before the interview but I definitely feel better).

The doubts are still there but the situations I’m facing in my life right now I have to overpower those doubts   I think sometimes people, myself included, worry about appearing too confident and crossing into arrogance so we have a tendency to diminish ourselves instead of standing proud.  I realized yesterday I’m competing against other people for this position so I have to believe I’m the best and if that means fully embracing my self-confidence and teetering on the edge of arrogance that’s what I’m going to do for now.

I hope everyone has the opportunity in their life to discover yourself, learn to trust in your own abilities, and find your self-confidence because it feels amazing! 😀