A New Chapter

You’ve got this dream.
You work hard for it.
You plan.
You wait.
You wait some more.
Okay…you wait a little bit longer.
Finally! It happens!
You have what you wanted but for some reason instead of the insane excitement you thought you would feel you feel scared……

Don’t get me wrong.  I am excited and can’t wait to start this job.  It’s the job I’ve wanted for years.  I think it’s just that evil little creature known as Doubt and his sidekick Fear, creeping into my mind making me question if I can really do this, the job, the move, everything.

Today it hit me the reason I’ve been saying the words “I’m so excited” but thinking “I’m so scared” is because I have some part of my mind that never thought this would really happen.  Despite all my optimism and positive thinking some part of my brain was convinced I couldn’t do it.  When I realized this it bothered me because it made me think if everyone else believes you can do this….Why don’t you?

I began to picture the evil creature, Doubt, resting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, telling me I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy of this type of opportunity.  It made me both sad and angry.

I think I began this journey full of optimism for the future but as time wore on Doubt began to get louder and louder.  I started to go backwards.  I began to question myself, question if my dreams were too big, question if I should just settle, a miserable job is better than no job, right?

When I told someone I was thinking about taking a retail job I think their response was “Even though you told me it would kill your soul”  Yes.  I was willing to go back to a job I hated because I didn’t believe in myself enough, because I allowed Doubt to overtake my mind.

Now I’m realizing I actually need to get things done.  I’m going to have a schedule.  After almost 8 months of not working I have to go to work.  It’s not that I don’t want to go back to work.  I definitely want to go back to work but after all this time not working and then going back in a completely different field I’m a little scared.

It’s tough to admit how strange this is and right now I’m still struggling a bit to grasp that this is really happening.  Everything that’s happened over the last few days feels like a dream.  I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is how everything is changing.  I just have to remind myself that even though I’ll be facing new challenges everything will be changing for the better.

I feel like I’m coming up on the end of this chapter of my life and as I get closer to the end it’s inspiring a range of emotions. Even though I’m ready to move forward it’s tough to not feel some sort of sentiment as I finish up this chapter in my life and prepare for the next step.

Not to go too deeply into the chapter metaphor but it does feel like I’m writing the last few sentences in the chapter titled “Unemployment” but now I need to start work on the next chapter.  I don’t have a title for it yet but I’m going to do my best to leave Doubt and Fear in the past and make this new chapter even more amazing 🙂

My writing is going to be hit and miss over the next few weeks.  I’ll still be reading and commenting just might not be writing everyday.

Thanks for following along with me on my journey!   ❤

My Own Private Motivational Speaker

I haven’t heard anything from any jobs in almost 2 weeks so I’m doing my best to not get discouraged but it’s a challenge.  My writing is pretty reflective of my moods.  The other day I was thinking I needed to really narrow down my blog and focus on a single topic but that’s not me plus the randomness is fun, right?

One day I’m writing about what I’m eating, the next day work outs, the next day I hate everything and am struggling to get out of bed, sometimes it’s all of those things in one day or one post.

It’s an adventure, it’s constantly changing, and it’s my life.

The journey to happiness is certainly not an easy path.  It’s more like a climb up the side of a mountain while someone at the top throws rocks at you…and there’s land mines and bears. Basically, sometimes life is hard but I can’t give up.

I’m beginning to feel like a motivational speaker the way I have to build myself up everyday, plus I have a friend in a similar situation so I try to cheer her up too.  She’s at least working in a bank (she hates it) and doesn’t have to pay rent (living with her parents) but she’s also job searching.  She’s 10 years younger than me so I keep reminding her she has tons of time but when people around her start finding their dream jobs she begins to ask the questions many of us do,
“What’s wrong with me?”
“What am I doing wrong?”
“When are things going to work out for me?”

I find myself asking the same questions all the time but I just work on knowing there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m doing the best I can right now, and things will work out in their own time.  I had to remind her she’s a bad ass who will find a job doing what she wants to do but right now unfortunately we have to be patient.  Even though I’m almost constantly stressed I’m trying to enjoy this time and stay positive.

I genuinely believe in the power of positive thinking but it becomes so challenging when you’re trying to be positive and nothing works out.   I’ve been trying to pinpoint what keeps me going, what makes me able to drag myself out of be in the morning, what makes me keep trying, what gets me out of the house.  I think I’m just not ready to give up on myself or my life yet because I actually have more positives than negatives in my life right now so I remind myself of them often.  I also fill myself with motivational quotes and positive words.

As my own private motivational speaker one of my favorite motivational sayings actually comes from Disney’s “Finding Nemo” (also one of my favorite movies 😉 ), “Just keep swimming.” I often find myself saying it when I’m feeling discouraged and even keep it on my homemade chalkboard by the front door so I see it every day.  IMG_7038

It’s silly but it’s one of many things that keep me going.  Below that is a little wall hanging my mom gave me for Christmas that says “Until you spread your wings you will have no idea how far you can fly”  I love that quote as well.  I’ve often thought of motivational quotes as cheesy but I know the power of words, sometimes hearing or reading the right words can make all the difference in a person’s life.

If you have any favorite motivational quotes feel free to share.  I’d love to read them.  🙂

The Uncertain Future

I try to keep myself busy because if I have too many days like yesterday I will slowly drive myself insane sitting around thinking.  I try to distract myself from dwelling too much on the uncertainty in my life because that is what will make me crazy.

My line of thought actually goes something like this:

“I’m tired.  Maybe I should take a short nap”
“You have so many things you should be doing right now.  Don’t take a nap.”
“You were going to pick out pictures to print for a portfolio. You need to print out the portfolio to go visit the gallery”
“Do you really want to show your pictures in a gallery? What if they say no?”
“Being a photographer is uncertain and challenging. Is that what I really want to pursue?”
“But am I pursuing the right career? Maybe I should check for new job postings”
“The application and hiring process takes so long. I’ll never find anything and be stuck here forever”
“Where am I going to be in a year?”
“Will I be happy?”
“What will I be doing?”
“Where is my life going?”

It’s funny how my mind can drift from taking a nap to wondering what I’m going to be doing with the rest of my life.  I often mention unemployment is more challenging than I imagined it to be when I was working.  When you’re working and feeling secure in your job the word unemployment actually sounds similar to the word vacation.

It also sounds like something that can’t happen to you and if it does you’ll just find another job.

It’s not that hard.  Jobs are everywhere.  I could find a job in a few weeks with no problem.  At least that’s what I thought when I was securely employed.  Now that I’m unemployed my perspective is vastly different, although I do think I could find a retail job if it comes to it but I’m not ready to give up on my pursuit of a new career that I might actually love.

The problem with unemployment is I’m constantly aware that I’m unemployed and always think I should be doing more.  It’s tough sometimes to turn my brain off which is why I work to find distractions.

I never thought I would be unemployed and certainly not for this long but I am and it’s been a long time.  I think some part of me will look back on this time and question some of my decisions, especially not applying for jobs earlier but I think that’s just part of life.  I think another larger part will recognize all the positive changes I made in my life, working out, eating healthy, getting active, volunteering, and truly getting to know myself.

Even though I’m scared of the uncertainty in my future I’m actually more scared when I think of what I might be doing if the store hadn’t closed.  I’d been stuck in my rut for so long and convinced myself I was going to make changes “someday” but never really changed anything because I was comfortable.  I lied and said “One more year.”  Despite the fact that I was miserable and stressed all the time I would have stayed with the job.

I wouldn’t have made all the changes I’ve made with my health, both physical and mental.  I also never would have started this blog and right now this is one of the things I’m certain about in my life.  I’m also certain things will work out eventually so even though my optimism waivers it’s still here.  I just have to be patient, remind myself that uncertainty is not the worst, and just keep working toward my happiness.