The Rejection Emails

I work hard at staying positive because I think if I allowed myself to feel the negative too much I would lose all my motivation.
I received a rejection email for a job this morning.
I also received one on Monday.
I received another one about an hour ago.

No matter how positive my outlook is, it’s nearly impossible to not allow myself to feel something when this happens in the same way I do when I find out I’m on the eligible list.

On the eligible list:  Hope, excitement, optimism about the future, belief in my abilities, happiness, confidence.
Rejection email:  Doubt, anger, sadness, questioning my choices, hopelessness.

I realize this is just the nature of job hunting especially trying to break into a field where I have no experience but it’s still frustrating and a bit disheartening; however, I refuse to allow myself to wallow in pity all day.

It’s not my style.

This is not to say I didn’t give myself an hour to feel whatever I was feeling.  I took a super long shower, cried, laid on my bed and hid under the covers for a bit hiding from the world before I told myself I needed to get up to make a plan.  Hiding from the world is not going to solve anything or keep me on track but I can see how easy it would be to choose this option.  I have an email just for work related or volunteer work so when I see I have a new email I get so excited then when it’s a rejection I feel so sad.  As I skim through reading “thank you” blah blah blah “not selected for an interview”  blah blah blah “encourage you to apply again” my heart sinks.  Rejection is never easy in any aspect of life and it definitely brings me down a bit but I’m hanging onto my optimism with both hands.

The best part is finally hearing something even if it’s not what I want to hear.  Some of these jobs I applied for in February, placed on the eligible list in early March, then just heard about not being selected for an interview.  I still have tons of applications out there on the eligible list or with the hiring manager that I’m still waiting to hear from so I know all is not lost.

Despite the fact that I received one more “the position has been filled” email while writing this post I forced myself to apply for 2 more jobs today even though I didn’t want to because some part of my mind questioned the point of applying.  I ignored that part of my mind and listened to the part that said the more I put myself out there the more likely I am to find something.

In between writing today I’ve been planning a trip to Vegas next month with my best friend and a trip to Seattle/Portland next weekend with friends so there’s no shortage of goodness in my life.  I’m continuing to stay busy and living my life.

I just have to accept that life includes both good days and bad days, unfortunately today has been one of the bad ones but I’m sure tomorrow will be better.  Actually, today is not even close to over so the day could totally turn around so I think I’ll reserve my judgement on today until tomorrow 😉

More waiting…

Waiting makes me crazy.

Some days I push past the anxiety and find something to occupy my time but today I’m struggling to truly accomplish anything, instead I have 5 half-complete projects sitting around me.  I’ve started 2 different blog posts, finished half a job application, checked my email about 40 times, scrolled Facebook aimlessly, read some new blogs, all while mindlessly watching TV (As a side note “Married at First Sight” is an interesting concept, marrying someone you’ve never met.  I’ve weaned myself from most reality TV but I like this show especially after 2/3 of the couples from the first season stayed together.)

I’m really at a good place in my life but usually when I have days like this it’s because I’ve allowed myself to start overthinking and I’ve let myself get bored.  I’m also starting to recognize a pattern in my anxiety.  It really starts to kick in toward the end of the month because it reminds me it’s one more month that I’ve been here without a job. The end of the month reminds me that another month has passed and I’m still trying to figure out my next step.

It reminds me that I’m waiting (patiently).

The beginning of the month is fresh and new so my optimism is high.  The beginning of the month I feel hopeful that a new job or opportunity is just around the corner.   I’m working on reminding myself that opportunity can happen at anytime and apartment wise finding out I’m moving at the end of the month would be better.  Another positive I have to remind myself of is it’s almost the weekend!!

I’m actually very excited for the weekend because I’m going to a musical, Mamma Mia, with my mom, aunts, and cousin for my aunt’s birthday and for a fun girls’ night out with dinner and a show.  Also my mom and I are going to see “Rear Window” in theaters since we both love classic movies and Hitchcock.

Okay so I think I’ve written away some of my anxiety.  I also get a bit anxious when I’m heading out town even if it’s just for the weekend.  It’s in my worrying nature to wonder if I’ve packed enough clothes for 3 days, if I’ve left something on, or if I’ve forgotten to do something I was supposed to do before I left.  To calm my worrying nature I create lists which is what I’m off to do now.

Texting a friend who is waiting to hear back from a job about our mutual anxiety I told her the weekend away would be a good distraction from worrying and overthinking.  I continue to remind myself that things will happen when I’m least expecting them to, so basically when I’m not sitting hitting refresh on my email all day 😉  .

Reigning in the Budget

I went through a very dark time with my finances and since then have always been pretty careful with my money but my tendency to overspend is always with me so I have to find ways to maintain control.  I’m doing okay without a job and I have cut back but I know I can cut back even more.  I have unemployment coming in but I don’t count on that for anything other than to pay the bills.

About 10 years ago when I was really struggling to budget my mom came up with what we called “the plan” which was basically writing out all your monthly expenses, not using credit cards, coming up with plans to pay off any debt, and using cash whenever possible.

It was simple and effective.

It was also one of the first things I went back to when I lost my job.  I immediately sat down and wrote out all my monthly bills to figure out how long I could go without a paycheck plus still have enough to move.  I still do this every month but have neglected consistently including budgets for food, pet food, essentials, and entertainment.

Every so often I begin to see old patterns and it almost always starts with my impulsive spending, so I reign myself back into reasonable spending.  I realized my grocery shopping has been like that of a spoiled child basically buying whatever I happen to feel like eating that day.  It’s not that I don’t have any food in my apartment it’s that I don’t have easy food or food that I want to eat.

A quick look into my transactions shows I’m spending way too much on groceries for one person, even with buying better food I can still cut my monthly grocery bill in half but it’s gonna take a tiny bit of effort.

Step one is eating what I currently have in my apartment.  I have a pantry with canned foods, a whole box of rice, unopened box of cereal, oatmeal, pasta, etc.  Again, I have food.  I might have to get creative sometimes but in the interest of saving money it’ll be worth it plus I might stumble upon a brilliant recipe.

Step two is cash only for any weekly shopping.  I’ve been needing to do this for awhile now but I’m going to take out a set amount of money and that’s it for the week for all my shopping.  If I want to buy new mascara it’s coming out of that budget.  I’ve been getting some money from selling stuff in my apartment so I’ll probably just use that for the small stuff.

Step three is awareness of my spending.  I used to keep all my receipts and go through them every week or month to see where I spent my money and where I could spend less.  I think I will start this again checking receipts weekly to have a better understanding of where I’m spending.

This morning I wanted a Luna bar before I went to the gym but I was out and my first thought was “I need to stop by the store on the way home form the gym to buy more”;however, a quick search of my cupboard showed packets of oatmeal and cream of wheat so I grabbed one of those instead.  It was delicious and will also be delicious tomorrow.

I’ll still need to shop for fruits, veggies, and lunch meat weekly.  I’ve cleaned out my fridge and my pantry but still have plenty of food.  I also think this will help keep me on track with my eating because I’ll have to plan more since I’m not going to be shopping as often.

Hopefully I’ll find a job soon but in the meantime I need to make sure I’m staying on track plus this might also help to develop some better spending habits that I’ll use in the future.