Still Struggling…

I’m starting to feel like a zombie, or simply just another version of myself.

 

I’m really trying to keep my spirits up but at work on Wednesday this was me every time someone came to talk to me….

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I understood everyone was excited about Thanksgiving and the start of a 4 day weekend but I was still sick and dealing with the cat situation.

I kept up the appearance of happiness on the outside until someone would ask, “How’s your cat?” then to avoid bursting into tears I would just walk away muttering, “He’s fine but I don’t want to talk about it…” and leave the room before I burst into tears.

It was awkward, especially the time I was in my office when someone asked and I just turned my chair around since I couldn’t walk away, so I made a long Facebook post apologizing and letting everyone know what was going on with me.

The last week or so I’ve been fine then this happens…

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The problem is once this starts I struggle to make it stop.

I feel so whiny.  I can’t completely shake my cold and I’m slowly getting myself back into eating something besides soup, broth, and crackers. I’m on my last day of antibiotics but still taking medicine at night to help me sleep without coughing all night.

When I’m not coughing all night I’m crying over James the cat (or I’m coughing and crying) because I know I’m close to a time where I have to make a decision I don’t want to make.  I’m still holding out for a miracle but unless he starts eating on his own….I worry syringe feeding is just making both of us miserable.

This morning I was heating up cat food in an attempt to spark his appetite.  We’ve tried almost every type of cat food (dry and wet), tuna, salmon, sardines, milk, heavy cream, tuna with heavy cream, baby food, tuna juice, cheese, chicken, burger, lunch meat, basically everything I read about online I tried.  My normal routine now is to twice a day throw away the food in his dishes then refill it with more food.  It’s starting to make me feel a bit crazy.

He’s slow but still moving around and going to the litter box.  He’s curled up beside me the last couple nights and has been a bit more affectionate so that’s nice.

I’ve been reading articles online about how people knew it was time with their pets, quality of life, how someone did syringe feeding for 10 weeks then their cat just started eating, how selfish it is to keep a pet alive, etc.  Like every other subject online there’s extremes at both ends of the spectrum, and I latch onto whichever one suits me in that moment.

Even though the reality is there’s no clear answer.

We’ve become dependent on finding the answers at our fingertips but when it comes to something so personal I know Google doesn’t know, but that doesn’t stop me from asking.  “Hey Siri, Should I put my cat to sleep or is he going to make a miraculous recovery and live for another few years?”  

Siri doesn’t know.  

At this point my only acceptance of the situation is that I have to take it day by day.  I have to look at his quality of life.  Mostly, I have to trust that when the time is right I’ll know and will be able to make the decision that’s best for both of us.

In the meantime, I’m going to eat a piece of pie for lunch while enjoying a cheesy Lifetime movie, as James snoozes away in his bed.  I signed up for a free 7 day trial of the Lifetime Movie Channel on Amazon and tomorrow’s my last day so I need to enjoy a few more cheesy movies 🙂

Hope everyone had a Happy Turkey Day!

Falling off the Face of the Earth

Dear Readers,

I hope there’s still some out there because it feels like forever since I’ve posted anything.  I sort of fell off the face of the Earth.  I was busy then I was lazy….I lost interest.

It struck me the other day that part of the reason I lost interest was because some of the core topics of my blog were being ignored in my life, health, wellness, working out, changing, health, eating healthy….Did I mention health?

Here’s the confessions:

I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks.  

I haven’t been planning meals.  

I haven’t been planning my grocery shopping.  

I’ve been skipping meals and binging (See above for reasons)

I’ve been eating out several times a week.

I’ve been ignoring my blog.   

I haven’t been feeling great.  

I’ve been feeling tired and my jeans are feeling tight.  

I decided it’s time for all of that to end.  

My revelation came yesterday when I realized I’d skipped lunch 3/5 days this week.  I also stopped to think about what I’d eaten for dinner this week.  This is what my eating looks like when I don’t plan my meals:

Monday I ate chicken sandwich and fries from Burger King for dinner.  Tuesday I ate a Caesar Chicken Wrap at trivia.  Wednesday I ate a frozen pizza.  Tonight I went out for Chinese.  Tomorrow I’ll be eating Chinese leftovers and cleaning out the fridge.

Starting on Monday I’m back on track.  I know you don’t have to wait until Monday but I’m going to be honest and say it’s the best time for me.  I’m spending my weekend partying in downtown Seattle.  I’m not going to kid myself about the food and drinks I will be consuming.  I’m not saying it’s going to be a free for all but……I’ll just say it’s best to begin this plan on Monday 😉

Things that begin on Monday August 29th: 

1 Post every day for 30 days starting with the return of Meal Plan Monday

Meal plans every week with breakfast, lunch and dinner

No grocery shopping without a list

Limit eating out!  

Minimum of 3 days per week at the gym

I’ve fallen off the track before and there’s no guarantee I won’t do it again but I think each time it takes me less time to get back on track.  I think once I get back to planning meals everything else will fall back into place.

I’ll be posting on the progress of this process. Thanks to everyone for reading!  The blog and blogger will be back on Monday ready to start the next chapter!

Your goals are the road maps that guide

A to Z Survey

I’ve been feeling like I’m in a bit of a blogging slump lately but I think most bloggers can relate to that feeling.  It seemed like I had no shortage of topics, great feedback, a few new followers, then a wall………I sat down to write yesterday but couldn’t seem to find a focused topic or I found a topic but the writing felt forced like I was trying to write for a certain audience instead of just staying true to me.

Anyways, when I saw this A to Z survey on Constructing Carrie, who got the survey from Jessica at Semi-Sweet Tooth I asked if I could get in on the action.  I thought it might help inspire me and get me back to writing.

Feel free to use it if you feel inspired to fill it out.  I just tried to have fun with it and not overthink it.  🙂

A – Age: 35

B – Biggest Fear: Bridges and tunnels.  I hate driving over long bridges.  My friend and I were stuck in traffic in a big tunnel when I was over in Seattle and I’m surprised I didn’t lose it.  10360954_968589583180978_4740379112369300408_n

C – Current Time: 10:59 AM

D – Drink You Had Last: Water.  Just finished my coffee but am tempted to go get a second cup

E – Easiest Person To Talk To:  My mom 🙂

F – Favorite Song: This is probably the toughest question because it changes all the time.  I would say “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John and pretty much any song by The Beatles

G – Grossest Memory: I once found a pair of jeans folded up in the top of the closet.  I hadn’t worn them in forever and I saw this ball of what looked like cotton on the leg so I went to move it but looked at it closer when I realized it was some sort of spider egg nest thing!!!! 😮  I resisted the urge to set them on fire and simply threw them in the dumpster.

H – Hometown: Newport, Washington

I – In Love With:  Myself 😉

J – Jealous Of: People who seem genuinely happy with their life

K – Kindest Person You Know:  I can’t pick just one so I’ll say all of my Aunts.

L – Longest Relationship: Samantha, we’re not super close because we live far away from each other but I’ve known her about 24 years

M – Middle Name: Kay

N – Number of Siblings: 1

O – One Wish: Freedom from financial burdens

P – Person You Spoke To On The Phone Last: My friend Deborah.  I had to keep her entertained and listen to her swear at drivers on her long commute home 😛

Q – Question You’re Always Asked: “What do you want to do?” or “What are you going to do?”  Both of which I usually reply “I don’t know!” or “I’m figuring it out!”

R – Reason To Smile:  Roof over my head 

S – Song You Last Sang:  “You can do it” by Ice Cube LOL XD  I picked Hip Hop BBQ Radio in an attempt to find some energy

T – Time You Woke Up:  5:40 AM  James the cat likes an early breakfast

U – Underwear Color: Black

V – Vacation Destination:  No specific spot.  My dream right now is a road trip around the US visiting friends and family along the way going from the west coast to the east coast.

W – Worst Habit: Being lazy.  I’m not proud of it and I’m getting better but at home I will walk over something on the floor for days before finally picking it up

X – X-Rays You’ve Had:  Just my teeth….*knock on wood*

Y – Your Favorite Food: All of it but here’s a few at the top of the list.  Blueberries.  Pizza.  Chicken.  Tacos.  Ravioli.

Z – Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Beatles Image from Wikipedia