A bit off track from the usual blogging fare but I like to mix it up and sometimes writing is like therapy so this is my session 🙂

I used to joke about not having any feelings, especially at work.  It’s mostly because sometimes I think I have too many feelings and if I acknowledge all of them I don’t think I would get through life without some kind of daily breakdown.

Today I was affected.  I cried.

It’s difficult to not be affected by the stories I hear day in and day out.  Some are lies.  Some tears are crocodile tears.  Some are the truth and the tears are real.  It’s frustrating to see someone lacking the ability to get out of their own way, to lack the ability to take accountability for their actions, or find a way to constantly shift the blame to someone else.

“This person didn’t do this for me…” “I couldn’t…”  “I can’t….”  “It’s too difficult to….

” No one told me to do this..”  “I didn’t know”  

I think it’s not just the lack of accountability but the constant presence of negativity.  When your life is surrounded by negativity I can understand why it might be difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  As a generally optimistic person I struggle to understand the thought process of someone who genuinely believes themselves to be incapable of change.

The defeatist attitude.  The blamer.  

These are the most challenging personalities I deal with in my job.  The thought processes are so far outside of my own thought process it’s difficult to relate.  I’m a planner.  I’m an optimist.  I’m accountable for my mistakes.

If I’m in a negative situation I might try to avoid it for a minute but I know the best way to handle a mistake or negative situation is to face it, own it, and figure out the next step.  What are the consequences?  Can I fix it?  Can I learn from it?

Avoiding a situation rarely makes it better and from my experience you learn from your mistakes.  I think the more often you own up to your mistakes and take accountability the less likely you are to make the same mistake.  This isn’t to say you won’t ever make the same mistake again but you’ll remember that you survived your mistake and you were able to handle the consequences.

Even in dark times when I’ve thought all was lost I knew things would get better if I put in the effort to make things better.  I also assess all the positives even the simple ones like, “I’m still breathing and healthy enough to keep moving.”  As long I’m breathing and moving I know I can makes things better so I struggle when dealing with people who don’t see that simple fact.  I’m not saying it’s easy but it’s possible.

I also know everyone has a different perspective and you don’t always know until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes.

I think I was already feeling a little down today and the first couple interactions of the day were so heartbreaking I was having a hard time bouncing back.  It also didn’t help that I didn’t complete a task I was sent to do because I was affected so I felt bad about my work performance.  I really just wanted to retreat but I survived the rest of the day.

I already know tomorrow will be a better day.  It’s FRIDAY!  The weekend is almost upon us.  For tonight I’m going to have a good cry, allow myself to wallow in my sadness for the moment, release the emotions, and move forward.


Birds and Exciting News

The highlight of this morning, so far, is the arrival of a new bird on my balcony.  A Northern Flicker, a type of woodpecker.  I thought I spotted him yesterday but this morning was a couple of confirmed sightings and blurry pics.  Yep, I like watching birds.  Most of the time I just get the little ones but it’s exciting when I see a new one, hopefully I can get a good pic of him soon.

Anyways, that is not the exciting news I was going to share.

I got the job!!!  The job I applied for that moves me from a temporary employee to a permanent or regular employee!!  I realize I’m still low on the totem pole at work but at least I don’t have to worry about my job disappearing for any random reason with as little as one day’s notice 😮  That part was scary.

Now I can breath a little bit easier.

When I was applying for jobs it was such a struggle because I was going into a field where I had zero experience.  I recognized someone with even a month of experience would be placed ahead of me and it was tough.  I wanted to give up because I began to reach a point where I thought it was hopeless and I would end up like Matt Foley……

or going back to working in retail

I really didn’t want to do that so I’m beyond grateful that I was given an opportunity, a foot in the door to show that, despite my lack of experience in the field, I am capable of doing this job.  It was up to me to prove myself and getting this new position means I’ve done that, used my foot in the door to get myself all the way inside.  Yay!  😀

It’s easy for me to sometimes feel regret for not getting here sooner but maybe I wasn’t meant to be here sooner, maybe right now is the time I’m meant to be where I’m at in my life.  Talking with my mom I mentioned getting feedback on my last interview so next time I’m up for a promotion I will do better.  I got the job so I obviously did okay but the feedback is important because I know I want to stay on this career path.  I see potential and opportunities.  I can see myself working my way up and eventually retiring.  In my past job I didn’t see all those options so even though it’s taken 10 years longer than it should have I’m finally on the right path and continue to be excited for the future.

I’m doing my same job for the next couple of weeks then will begin to transition into my new position.  I’ll be in the same building, same office even just a different unit and I can’t wait to get started.  Along with this I’ll have some minor changes to my meal plans because I’ll be working an earlier shift so I might start adding in some breakfasts.  The best part is I think getting off work at 4 will make it easier to get in a workout at night because I’ll have an hour before dinner.

That’s my news so I’m off to plan my meals for the week, do laundry, and clean my apartment since yesterday I was glued to my couch all day.  Gray, rainy, dreary days just call for movies, popcorn, hot tea, heated blankets, and naps but the rain has lifted for the moment so I think I will unglue myself from the couch and maybe even venture outside for a bit.

The Eternal Optimist

The most challenging part of my job right now is believing in someone more than they believe in themselves and watching someone refuse to change, especially when the change could be life-saving.

I’ve been through change.  I’ve struggled with addiction.  I’ve been lost and afraid of the future.

I’ve not experienced these things on the same extreme level as many people.  My experiences have been very low-level, and I recognize others experience these things at the highest level possible.  I didn’t lose everything because of my addiction but I came close to stepping over the edge and who knows what would have happened from that point if not for an intervention.

I believe in change.  I believe in success stories.  I believe in second, third, and even fourth and fifth chances but at a certain point the person getting the chances needs to believe in these things, needs to believe in themselves, and their capacity to rewrite their story.

I have the capacity to look at every person who walks through my door and say in my mind, “The past is the past.  Until I see otherwise this is the time this person becomes a success story and rewrites their future.”  I’m too optimistic and hopeful to think differently so it breaks my heart when it doesn’t happen, when they revert to old behavior, when people lie, and doubt their own abilities.

I genuinely want to help people but it’s true, you can’t help a person who isn’t willing to help themselves.  I can continue to hold out my hand, offer to listen, offer my words, but if they run away, stop talking, and stop listening there’s not much I can do to help other than hold onto my hope.  It’s just frustrating to offer someone every resource available then watch them self-destruct even if you don’t really know the person.

I continue to believe that something I say will stick with them even if they aren’t successful this time. I continue to hold onto my optimistic spirit because if I stop believing how can I inspire others to find the strength to believe in themselves?