I Want My MTV….

I sometimes feel like I’m getting so old.  I just looked down at the time and said “Oh my gosh, it’s noon already” as if I’d wasted half the day away when in reality I’ve already been up, wrote my meal plan for the week, went to the gym, went grocery shopping, and paid bills.  It’s just funny how noon feels so late in the day when in reality I still have tons of day left but when I pretty much lock myself in by 6PM or 7PM noon can seem late.

It’s just one of the little things that make me feel old, the 3 day hangovers, bed time by 10PM (or earlier), waking up at 7AM almost all the time, and then the event that took place this weekend.

While I was in Seattle this weekend my best friend and I decided to watch the MTV Movie Awards.  I always used to look forward to the MTV awards shows but I know the last time I recorded the Video Music Awards I only watched about 5 minutes because I didn’t know who half the artists were when they announced who was performing.

This felt similar.

We ended up watching the whole thing but didn’t know who the performers were (Ty Dolla Sign? 😕 ) and also didn’t know several of the actors presenting awards.  I didn’t think many of the jokes were very funny and some were just crude, now I’m no prude or easily offended but I do have a line where I think humor goes beyond funny into gross or offensive.  Many of the jokes just felt juvenile……

*sigh*  Neither of us wanted to admit it but I did throw it out there, “We might be too old for the MTV Movie Awards”  I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, right?

I don’t always remember my age until I’m hanging around with people who are much younger or trying to watch a show for a younger demographic (like almost anything on MTV, except for Catfish, love that show), then I’m like “Oh yeah, I’m 35 years old.”  It’s not always a negative recognition but simply the realization I’m at a different place in my life which isn’t bad.
It happens to all of us.
We get older.
It’s a fact.
It’s gonna happen.
And it beats the alternative (as my grandpa always says)

Adding to my age-related line of thought was watching a silly plastic surgery show this morning featuring women who are trying to deny their age and surgically mold themselves into some younger, different version of themselves instead of just accepting the fact that we all age.  Even if you tighten everything up, lift, tuck, snip, etc. you’re still aging, the process doesn’t stop just because you’ve tried to slap a 30-year-old face onto a 50-year-old body.

Instead of plastic surgery I suggest people:
Focus on basic health,
don’t smoke,
don’t drink alcohol excessively,
drink lots of water,
wear sunscreen,
eat real food,
exercise,
be around people who make you happy,
and find a job you love.

Find happiness in what you do and who you are instead of dwelling on the negative or constantly trying to fix something that wasn’t broke in the first place.

Maybe I’ll feel differently in 10 years.  Maybe I’ll be trying to jokingly celebrate my 29th birthday every year for the next decade but I don’t think so because I wouldn’t want to go back to that time.  I’m healthier now than I was then so I want to embrace myself and my body even when the wrinkles start showing up and the gray hairs take over my head (they’re already trying).

I just want to continue improving my health, staying active, and maintaining my sense of adventure because I think it will help keep me youthful even with gray hairs and wrinkles.  I’ll do my best to age gracefully even if part of doing so means replacing MTV Awards shows with crime dramas and early bedtimes 🙄

Changing my Body & my Mindset

I knew losing my job would change me but I didn’t realize just how much.  Perhaps I’m on some kind of high from working out but in the last week or two I’m genuinely opening myself up to ALL the possibilities in my life.  Through deciding to improve my health and share this journey with the world something in me clicked.

It’s been a slow process but at 35 I’m finally starting to feel like I’m coming into my own.  I struggle with my age from time to time as I’m sure other people do.  Many of my friends are younger but sometimes give into dramatics, proclaiming all is lost because they aren’t where they thought they would be when they reached their mid-20’s.  I love my friends but I want to say “How do you think this makes me feel?”  If your life is over at 25 then I might as well start checking out retirement homes 😉  Ha Ha

I’m unemployed, unmarried, childless, living in an apartment, and only have a hazy idea of my future.  When I was in my 20’s I certainly envisioned my 30’s to be much different but life doesn’t always follow your timeline of expectations and honestly I’m starting to realize this way might be more interesting. I’ve always had this idea of who I wanted to be, of the things I wanted to do, of the accomplishments I wanted in my life but I was holding back.

The two main things holding me back were my job and my weight.

The job is out of the picture.  I allowed myself to be stuck in my job for about 5-6 years too long. I loved it in the beginning but toward the end I stayed because it was comfortable. Do I regret some of my career choices?  Yes but who doesn’t?

The weight is more challenging because that has been plaguing me for years and years and years.  I’m one of those people who looks back at pictures and thinks “I can’t believe I thought I was fat” but I also look back and realize one of my biggest issues with my body was comparison (This is before my biggest issue became eating too much and not working out).

I was constantly comparing myself to women with body types that were so different from mine that my expectations were unrealistic.  In high school I stayed around 130-140 but was striving for 110-120 because I held 120 as ideal so 110 would be even better.  I know now my body was actually pretty amazing back then (and will be again 😉 )  because it was strong.  I was playing softball, cheerleading, and participating in theater so I was always working out.  I wasn’t happy with my body though because I didn’t have long, thin limbs or a flat stomach.  I had broad shoulders, a flabby stomach, and big calves, all of which I hated.

The unfortunate part is that it’s taken me 20 years to get here but thankfully I’ve arrived….to this place where I’m learning once again how to make my body strong but more than that I’m learning to love my broad  powerful shoulders, my flabby tummy strong core, and my big muscular calves.

My confidence is climbing because (please excuse the cheesy sports analogy) I finally feel like I’m getting in the game instead of waiting on the sidelines.  When you’re overweight and not doing anything to change or simply not putting yourself out there it’s easy to rationalize why you’re holding yourself back.

The main ones for me were “I don’t want people to make fun of me” or “I’m too fat to *insert activity here* ”

Do I still feel self-conscious?
Do I still doubt myself?
Do I still have regrets?

Yes to all of the above; however, I’m going to explore the world without restricting myself because of my weight.  I’m still fat but I know I’m working on it.  Some will disagree with my use of the word fat but from my own personal perspective fat is not a bad word or a defining word but a descriptive word.  It describes the current state of my body and it’s truth but fat is not what’s going to define me or my choices.

I’m still learning to accept myself but these are some of the things I know:
I know that I’m in better shape than I was 2 months ago.
I know I would choose going outside to do something over sitting in front of the TV.
I know that I’m an amazing, awesome person who is no longer going to define herself or how she lives her life based on her weight.

A Cruel Truth

I weighed myself Friday, felt discouraged, and put away my scale until at least next week or maybe later if I can hold off longer.  I felt discouraged because I’ve only lost about 5 lbs in over a month and even though I recognize the small progress I can’t help but dwell on what I’m doing wrong.  Today I realized part of what is holding me back from actually accomplishing my goals: honesty.

This word describes what is missing from my relationship with myself and I think this has always been a contributor to my weight gain.  I think sometimes the lies we tell ourselves are the ones that can hold us back the most from achieving our goals.  I tell myself I’m doing everything right, eating right, staying active, avoiding sugar, doing all the right things that should lead to weight loss; however this is not the truth.

Here is the truth, both for myself and any readers out there.  I am trying to avoid sugar but still sneaking chocolate, eating better but could still cut down on snacking, and staying active involves working out sporadically when I feel like it, even then it’s like 10 minutes of basics and stretching.  Sometimes it’s so easy to tell small lies, “a few pieces of chocolate won’t hurt”, “I’ll work out tomorrow”, “I went shopping, walking around the store, that’s like a workout”, “one more snack before bed won’t be bad”…etc., etc.  The list goes on and on.

Now I know what I’ve been doing wrong and actually have it in writing, which makes it more difficult to hide.  I guess that since the truth is out the next question is where to go from here.

Step 1:  Get the Christmas candy out of sight or probably better yet out of the house-not much here but it needs to go

Step 2:  Continue to track eating during the day.  I’ve been using an app called Fooducate, (which I highly recommend) but I need to apply my new found honesty here as well tracking on both the good days and the bad days, and entering the bad foods as well as the good.

Step 3:  Get active!  I’ve read so many articles about how to start a routine, reasons to work out in the morning, how to form a habit but now I need to apply this vast range of knowledge.  Just put an alarm into my phone for a set workout time in the morning, plus printing out a calendar for my star chart.  I was most consistent working out was when I kept a calendar on my door and marked each day I worked out with a gold star, simple and a bit cheesy but it worked for me.

Now that the truth is out I will move forward starting to make changes and promise full disclosure to myself in the future.